Epic Tales of a Professional Freakshow in Heels
Monday, August 6, 2012
Unborn babies dislike wine. ( reason 342 I'm going to hell)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
How I lost over 200 Pounds in 30 seconds
Tom Cruise wearing a Beauty and the Beast dress and meowing like a cat
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Maybe next year..
Monday, July 30, 2012
If only my mom had let me eat pop tarts for dinner..
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
America Runs on Dunkin'.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A sweet birthday miracle
My feelings for multiple " it's my birthday" posts and public displays of affection are very similar. I don't like either and consider them to be in poor taste. Unless of course i am the lady making out at the laundry mat, then I say " horah! Bring on the slobber!"
Just kidding, dad. I have never kissed a boy in my entire life.
I'm okay with birthday whoring too, as long as I am the one doing the whoring. When September 17th rules around, I can't help but tell anyone with working ears that it is MY day. This year was no exception.
I woke up early to do some grocery shopping before picking up the boyfriend from the airport at 11. I had bought some weekend food, shampoo, and an assortment of household items.
I scanned all of these items through the self check out line and was tickled when I watched the price drop over $11 after scanning my Kroger shopping card. by far my favorite part of shopping.
44 dollars and some forgettable amount of change.
Great.
Opened my purse to get my wallet and it isn't there. I had left it in the car.
Not so great.
I tell the lady supervising the self check out area what had happened and she said I could run to my car to get my wallet and that I wouldn't have to reswipe everything.
Great again.
A cute older man, probably in his late 60s, smiles and jokes that I am no where near old enough to be forgetting things yet.
" I will have you know, I am 25 years old today!"
We both laughed.
I went to my car, got the wallet that I had carelessly forgotten and hurried back to pay for my shampoo.
As I get Into the store, the cashier hands me my bag.
"Thanks, let me just swipe my card" I say and walk to the self check out kiosk.
The lady smiles and said that the older man had paid for my groceries while I was in the car and that he says "happy birthday"
What a way to start a day. Of course it was nice to not pay for $44 of groceries, but the warm fuzzy feeling from the kindness of a stranger will surely stick with me for a while. I need to find a way to pay it forward.
- professional freakshow
Happy birthday, puffy face
It is official. I am old enough to both run for congress and rent a car without the pesky $15 a day underage fee. I wanted to write this post on the actual anniversary of my escape from my mother's womb, but I was busy celebrating.
It is a custom for there to be a party on ones day of birth, and being the traditionalist/ attention whore that I am, I invited my closest friends over to celebrate.
My roommate, Kate and I made an invitation on Facebook. Kate is one of the very few people that I can team write with, but I was pretty pleased by what we came up with.
The invitation read as follows:
"Join us as we celebrate Erin's 25th birthday! If you know Erin, you know that it is no small feat that she has come this far. As concerned roommates, we make her sleep with a helmet in case she falls off the bed and/or gravity decides to reverse itself. She argued at first, stating that she was a "grown-ass-woman" and that the helmet was degrading, but when we offered to paint lightning bolts on the side with glow-in-the-dark puffy paint, she gave the idea her "this is super rad" dance and promptly twisted her two left feet, falling into the sticky bug trap in the basement. Obviously, if this would happen to anyone, it would happen to her. We all remember the time she fell in the parking lot after running for 0.5 seconds and skinned both knees, in an act not dissimilar to a drunk giraffe on roller skates. Then again there was the time she was walking at the airport and stepped onto the wrong moving sidewalk, propelling her backwards into what she describes as, "The closest I've ever come to flying." And let's not forget the time she was attacked by a homeless woman in Seattle who called her out for being a whorey bitch. You know her fondly as the girl who once broke her nose walking into a door... The girl who once tripped in front of a man in a wheelchair and said, "I'm sorry! I can't walk." Her 25th birthday is no small achievement. Come drink with us and watch her stumble. If you're lucky, she might hold on tightly to your hand while yelling, "Let go of me, let go!" or refer to you affectionately as "husband!" for the duration of the evening. Either way, her endearing snort is guaranteed. Hope to see you there!"
Kate also posted fun facts about the birthday girl everyday during the week prior to the party. Those may be posted at a later time, but I will most likely forget.
The party started off smoothly, people brought wine, flowers, hugs, and birthday butt squeezes. My boyfriend had even flown in from Florida to surprise me. Kate made me a punpkin cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. I was so excited that all of my friends were celebrating with me and much like my 8th birthday party, I spent about 50% of the time singing the birthday song to myself and the other 50% looking out the window to see which of my friends was arriving next. This was better than my 8th party though because this time there was vodka in my red kool-aid.
My good friend, Rachelle came at about 11 with a big gift bag in hand. She had made me a mobile made of cloths hangers, ribbons, and 20 airplane sized booze bottles!
At this point in the evenining, I had convinced a man to act as photographer and follow me around with my I phone. I pulled him onto the back porch. To take my picture with hanging mobile. Right after the picture was taken, I was stung by a huge- ass-hornet, right on my eye! I was rushed to the bathroom for inspection and a call to the doctor. I spent the duration of the night in bed with ice on my face.
Kate later posted on the invite:
"Fun fact #7- we had a party. Erin was stung in the eye by a Hornet, forcing her to miss her own damn party. If this could happen to anybody, it obviously happened to her."
- professional freakshow
Thursday, September 15, 2011
“HAHA, Gotcha” said God one sunny day.
I cant believe that it has been an entire year since I have started this blog. I wish that I could say that I finished the year posting as regularly as I was in the beginning, but I suppose I can try harder this year. When I started this little freakshow project of mine, I had an embarrassingly shallow social life and it seemed that I didn't have anything better to do than write. In the last year, I have come to terms with the fact that I may be living in VA for a while, formed some great friendships, took up running as a hobby, started applying to graduate schools, and worked diligently at perfecting my art of being the most awkward kid on the block.
I know that I took some time off from writing regularly but I am ready to come back in full swing. I miss the days that I would religiously check for comments and constantly update my pageviews. Thankfully, my fall travel season for work started this week and given that travel chaos was the original theme of this blog, I am confident that it will give me some inspiration.
It only took a few hours for this trip to be interesting.
I flew into Boston early Monday morning and everything seemed to be going smoothly. I firmly believe that the fate of my trip can always be determined by the success of my first flight. If I get bumped to first class, it will be a great week. If I have delays or if my baggage gets lost, I will be lucky to survive until Friday. If the plane crashes, that sucks too.
Although this week I was not bumped to 1st class, my plane arrived on time an d my luggage made it to Boston with me. I figured that this was a sign from God was everything would run smoothly for the duration from the week.
Wrong.
Now that I think about it, it may have been presumptuous for me to even try to guess what God's signs are supposed to mean. Who am I to claim to know G's intensions. He and I both know I haven't spent any note worthy amount of time at his house lately.
Monday, I had a few visits with high schools and everything seemed to be going well. When I was finished for the day, I decided that I was going to go to the hotel, catch up on some emails and take a nap before finding some dinner.
It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was enjoying my merry drive through the small towns of MA.
CRASH!!!!!!
I felt my car propel forward as the Jeep Wrangler behind me took residence in my back seat.
" Well that's not good" I said outloud to myself.
I get out the car to talk to wrangler's driver and I was surprised to see an attractive man in his mid-20s.
I introduce myself, smiling like a fool. He probably thought that I had suffered some sort of brain injury from the crash, who smiles after a car accident?
We exchanged info, called the police about next steps, and went our separate ways before it hit me that I was driving a rental car. panic set in and tears would not stop rolling out of my eyes.
I returned the car to hertz, got a new uglier car, and went on my merry way. Brian ( the wrangler) sent me an email later that night apologizing again and providing me with a copy of an accident report to fill out.
I responded:
Thanks, I was able to fill one out at Hertz. It was nice meeting you although the circumstances were not ideal. Maybe we will run into each other again sometime. Pun very much intended.
Erin S***
VP of fender benders and rental car relations
BadLuck Inc.
No response. Whatever. I had a good laugh.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sorry God.
I don't have a lot of time to spend with you today, but I wanted to share something before I forget it in the hustle and bustle.
A few weeks ago, agreed to teach a class to incoming college freshman about the risks of drinking alcohol and today, as I was explaining " standard drink sizes" an earthquake hit! A 5.9 that apparently originated only 50ish miles from campus. Trying to remain calm, I jokingly told the class that "that's what happens when you drink vodka" but I was really thinking that this is a clear sign from god that I have no business teaching college kids about drinking responsibly.
Sorry mom. Sorry liver.
- professional freakshow
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Homeless Deer of Long Island
A few nights ago, my roommate and I were sitting at the bar of our favorive pizza joint, conveniently located a block from our home. It only took about 4 minutes for the the creepy older man to my left to take an interest in me.
It would be a lie if I said that this has never happened before. By nature, I am polite and nice to people and sometimes this attracts creepers. I would rather be a creeper magnet than a bitch, I think.
Anyways, the gentleman looks at me and smiles.
" I had paid my tab but when you sat next to me, I decided that I would stay for one more beer. I'm not a forward guy, but I'm not dumb enough to leave either." He giggled at his own sort of funny joke.
It was strange. He was older, had beer belly that could compete with any globe of the world found in 4th grade classrooms nation wide, and he was clearly more socially awkward than I am, but I was oddly flattered.
Flattery lasted about as long as a heard of snowmen in a hot tub. After twenty minutes of listening to this man recite his weight fluctuation history and high school track/field records from the 1800s, I was ready to move on.
I slowly turned my body back to my roommate, but she was in deep flirtations with a nice looking, age appropriate man. I was out of luck and I knew I would be forced to make up ridiculous stories to make the night bearable.
As I turned around, the man was still talking and he mentioned that he had spent the afternoon golfing with his brother.
" I love golf. In fact I started the very first female golf team when I was in college. My uncle taught me to play when I was little and I have just always enjoyed it. You may have heard of him, he is on TV every once in a while, his name is Tiger Woods."
Awkward Silence.
Just then, my favorite homeless man, Mark approached us and gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek.
People judge Mark because he lives in an abandoned car warehouse or maybe because he looks like he is being electrocuted every time he hits the dance floor. He is nice though and he drinks quality beer and those are two things that I look for in a friend. He passes with flying colors.
Mark is also very deep, or at least he tries to be. He is always telling me things like
" Your soul is a garden on radishes. It needs sunshine and happiness as much as hard times and rain to let it form into a pumpkin pie."
Like I said, deep.
I introduced Mark to my new golfing weight fluctuating friend and they quickly hit it off. Mark told him that his heart felt like a a starving squid, or something equally as weird and I tapped myself on the back for matchmaking skills. I had single handedly blossomed this friendship and I had ever right to be damn proud.
I ordered another drink, and when I turned back to the happy couple, they were discussing how a raccoon had gotten into a hospital somewhere in the midwest.
At this point in the evening it is important to note that I had gulped 2+ Long Island Iced teas. Sometimes when I drink, I think that the more LIs I drink, the soberer I get but this is simply just not the case. I was just at the right level of drunkenness where my bar lies were becoming quite extravagant and I was feeling pretty competitive. Bad combination.
I couldn't just sit there and let them tell this story about raccoons in hospitals. I had to one- up them and tell a better story. there is no explanation for what popped out of my mouth next.
" Oh thats nothing." I said casually. " Last week I came home from work and there was a deer in my living room. No idea how it got there. It took me 20 minutes to shew it out with a broomstick"
Silence. again.
Homeless Mark and the creepy old man glanced at eachother, speechless. When I turned my head to slip my drink, they both walked away without a goodbye. I hope at the very least they left together to develop the beautiful friendship that I started. At least that way I can note the evening as a success.
If only room clearing was an olypmic sport.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Enjoy.
1.How to ask a man for his socks
2. How to change a slutty reputation
3. Justin Timberlake pissing in public
4. Powers on the boob
5. Wet my pants in Church
6. Drunk giraffe freekshow dance
7. Screech Powers: father of my monkey babies
8. Sweaty sock porn
Monday, June 13, 2011
I am my own biggest fan
I have read a few posts from great bloggers with great advice about how to make your blog appealing to people other than your guilted parents.
This will in no way shape of form be helpful to anyone. Well..except me.
I hope.
I have been blogging since Mid September and although I usually feel like I can grasp the concept of how to draw attention to my site, I know that I still have a lot to learn. I have a few questions for you experienced bloggers and bloggerettes and if you would be so kind, I would love your feed back.
1. I have a fan base of 39 followers, two of which happen to be my own parents. I also have a large group of people who I know are reading because they will occasionally comment on posts, but the don't follow. Is this normal? I feel like when I find a blog that I like, I always follow it so that their entries show up on my dashboard when I get to work in the morning. I also feel that following Is a way of saying "you are awesome". The follow button is the button of love and acceptance. If people read and don't follow, does it mean that They don't like what they have read? Is it because I occasionally use the term "boner for Jesus"? Are they lazy?
2. What are your thoughts and feelings about scheduling posts? I sort of like the idea in theory, but I feel like I would be lying to all 39 of my followers. I even feel a little guilty about lying to the non following readers although their feelings are far less important to me. It just seems fishy if blogger says that I posted at 7am after my morning corn muffin when in actuality it was written on my couch with a bottle of wine while watching reruns of Little House On The Prairie that I recorded off cable and onto several VHS.
3. I thought that there was a strong positive correlation between the quantity and quality of my posts and the number of page views I received. This week proved me very wrong. As you know, this is the first post I have written this month. For the first few weeks of June, my page was being opened 0-4 times a day. It was pretty pathetic. I knew that I had to pick up momentum and start writing again, but I just couldn't seem to find the time. All of a sudden though, on June 7th, my blog was viewed 135 times and has continued to gain traffic through the next 2 weeks. I am thrilled about the new reader base, but still, not a single one of the 768 view in June have resulted in a follower increase.
Thanks for your help folks. If this post put you to sleep, I apologize. I promise to write about my Big Loser friends later in the week, or maybe I have already written it and it has berm scheduled to go out later in the week. You may never know. Creepy
- professional freakshow
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Being Easy isn't Pretty
1. In order to follow your dreams, you must be able to acknowledge the fact that being easy isn't pretty
2. Starting a drinking campain at 530 is always a good idea. Just be prepared for feelings to pour out of your eyes at 2 in the morning.
3. It is much easier to rob a bank if you are not smoking crack in the lobby. I am not saying that smoking crack is a bad idea, simply that you should escape by getaway car, and not by foot to avoid conflict with the police.
4. Some times it is hard to let go of old flames. Sometimes it is harder to let go of a stanger's hand at the bar.
5. When a man is nice enough to walk you home, you should thank him by forcing him to sit in a room with your crying roommate.
7. Colorblindness is a serious disease. People who suffer from colorblindness will never experience the true beauty of Christmas lights and will struggle to dress themselves for the rest of their empty, black and white lives. Above all, however, you should never get in a car with them… unless you want to die.
8. You can avoid feelings pouring out of your eyes at 2 in the morning by drinking your feelings between the hours of 5 pm and 12 am. Yes, feelings. that’s what we’re calling long islands now. Maybe you should’ve had a glass of feelings instead of taking jell-o shots without the jell-o. There's always next time.
9. When trying to let go of said stranger’s hand, it’s generally best to pretend he won’t let go of yours and to yell, “Let go of me! Let go!” If he wasn't afraid of commitment yet, he probably is now.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Popcorn Loving Pirate Goes through Sex change
A few nights ago I had a dream that my roommate and I were performing a one act play together in front of hundreds of people. This was funny for a few reasons:
1.) because my last theatrical performance was in the 7 th grade where I was casted as "male pirate#3". At the time I thought I was given a male role because my acting skills were so grade A that the director thought that I could handle such a challenging task..but upon later reflection, it was probably because At the time...I looked like a boy.
2) for some reason in this dream, we decided that we were not going to rehearse together. we were just going to learn our own lines and mesh them together on stage opening night.
3) Ashley, being the dedicated thespian she is, had memorized her lines perfectly but I had forgotten to even glance at my script before stepping on stage. I was making things up as I went along. The play was apparently intended to be a touching tale of a mother (me) putting her daughter (Ashley) to bed after seeing a scary movie...but since I had not read the play, I had interpreted the scene as Ashley in her death bed. Needless to say, this dream also included Ashley telling me that we would never be performing together again.
Days after this dreamy night, Ashley invited me to an improv comedy workshop/audition. I was really nervous because of my lack of theatrical experience and my habit of snorting and/or breaking things when I get uncomfortable. Like usual, once I arrived at the workshop, I felt instantly welcomed.
We played games and read monologs from personal ads off of craigs list and played al sorts of games. I was also fed popcorn, which happens to be on of my top five snack foods. Others on this list include: goldfish, chocolate covered gummy bears, string cheese, and vodka.
Wednesday, after my meeting with my running/drinking club, I received a call with an invitation to join the improv troupe! I could not be more excited. have found a group of people who not only tolerate will tolerate my antics but will work with me to develop them and transform them into an art.
Where else will I find a community where it is socially acceptable for me to pretend to be a man in the process of sex changing surgery and looking for a lover who will role-play with zombie costume? I think that I have found my match.
- professional freakshow
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
How to get a job after College
In the spirit of celebrating all of the collegiate graduations that are taking place over the next few weeks, I thought that it would be appropriate for me to share the story of my first interview for a post-college-real-life- adult-job.
Shortly before graduation I was offered an interview at a college across town from the school I was about to graduate from. Although I knew that I was qualified for the job and I had every intention of charming the pants of the selection committee , it was my first big girl interview and I was a little nervous.
I had done interviews for high school and college jobs but I knew that this would be more serious. I figured though, that if I had survived an interview at the Ben and Jerry’s tourguide interview, I could handle anything the admissions committee at a small liberal arts college would dare to through my way.
The very first questions at my Ben and Jerry’s interview was:
“ Imagine that you are a pea and you are stuck on the end of a fork and you are about to be chopped into little bits. What do you do?”
I don’t remember how I answered this one, but I was offered the job. I have yet to find me another job that would send me home with three pints of ice cream every day I showed up to work. That was a pretty sweet gig. Pun very much intended.
I was prepared, but still antsy.
Knowing that I tend to get clumsy when I feel uneasy, my mind was filled with horror visions, all of which included me falling on my face during the interview. What if they offered me a glass of water and I spilled it down my white shirt, creating the appearance of breast lactation or chronic boob sweat? What if I accidently farted while meeting with the Vice President? I was in panic mode for the entire interview week.
Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down by the time I got to campus. I met with admissions counselors, the dean of students, graduate assistants, undergraduate tour guides, everyone. I was amazed how relaxed I felt in these meetings and I was able to be myself ( a professional, classy, well put together version of myself, that is).
By the time I reached my last interview of the day, I was confident that I would be hired. Everything had gone so incredibly well, and there was nothing that I could possibly say at this point to embarrass myself.
Wrong.
I met with the Director of Admissions. He asked me about my college experience. I listed my top three strengths and weaknesses for the third time that day and when the interview finally ended, I silently sighed with relief. Finished.
As my interviewer walked me out of his office, he started to lecture about how exciting life after graduation was going to be for me.
I tried to say something like “ Yes. I am excited. This is my first adult interview”
Of course this is not what actually came out of my mouth.
Instead, I looked directly at my potential future boss and said “This is my first adult VIDEO”
Silence.
They ended up offering me a job and I have decided to take it as a compliment.
I am not sharing this story to implant extra worry into your head. In fact, my intensions are exactly the opposite. I’m just saying, that if I can tell the boss that I am trying to get into the porn business and still get hired, you can find a job too.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Picking ticks off a circus clown
Life lessons to think about this week:
1. Never attempt to juggle 4 bottles of wine unless you are a trained circus clown. With out the proper technique, you will inevitably drop and crash a minimum of 1 bottle onto the street, turning the neighborhood dogs and squirrels into raging alcoholics.
2. There is nothing less entertaining than watching children attempt to run a full mile. If you find yourself in this position of boredom, it is crucial that you find the nearest bottle of wine and start a " tasting". If tasting to you means drinking a full bottle before 11 am, so be it.
3. Every girl deserves a friend who will offer to shave his head every Wednesday, just so she can touch his baldness. In return though, you may have to pick ticks of his dog.
4. Running in 5K races is a great way to keep yourself in shape. However, if you choose to drink wine in leu of stretching, you will experience a great deal of difficulty removing yourself from the couch the next morning.
5. If you are going to send a friend a text that says " eat lunch with me or I will release my ant farm into your bed and spit in your honey nut cheerios. The choice is yours,let me know what you decide."- make sure you actually text it to your friend...and not your roommates brother...who you have only met once.
6. It turns out that boys are good for more than eye candy. They are also remarkable at changing the lightbulbs in my kitchen.
7. If you feel the need to tell a stranger that your roommates are actually your identical triplets, it is best if they are not around. The story will quickly be proven to be false when said stranger can clearly see that you are not identical in the least.
- professional freakshow
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Screech Powers is a boob man
I am proud to announce that I have officially crossed one of my new years resolutions off my list of things to do this year. I am even prouder to announce that every single one of my childhood dreams came true in a single evening.
In a post a wrote last week, I created a list of things I wanted to accomplish before May 1, 2012. The first goal on the list reads as follows:
1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.
Check.
I have had sort of a rough week. The boy that I previously mentioned that I was dating, moved to Florida on Thursday and I took it a little harder than I would have expected. Feelings suck. I grieved with my good friends Ben and Jerry for several days and I needed a distraction. Something to make me feel better without recruiting a colony of cellulite dimples to my butt. Fortunetley for me and for my waistline, in the height of my depression, an old friend of mine informed me that Dustin Diamond (Samuel Screech Powers from Saved By The Bell) was going to do a stand up comedy show a few miles from my home. With this information my entire world turned around.
Screech Powers played a signicant role in my childhood. Not only was I was a huge fan of Saved by the Bell, but I also had a pair of insect printed short-overalls that I wore well through the seventh grade. I was thrilled that I would have the chance to hear his show but I didn't expect to have such an intimate connection with him.
My friends and I showed up to the performance lounge at 6:30 eastern standard time, right when the doors opened. I almost peed my khaki shorts when the usher lead us to a table directly in front of the stage. My expectations for the evening quickly escalated. I knew that would no longer be satisfied with a peaceful night of quiet giggles in a dark room and admiring my childhood kindred spirit from afar. My front and center seating assignment provided me not only with a clear view of Dustin Diamond but he would also be granted a clear view of my freakshow shenanigans. I had the perfect opportunity to draw attention to myself and cross the first new years resolution off my list as a success.
Screech entered the stage and after a few jokes, he looked directly at me and said the very sentence that I have been day dreaming about since I was about eight years old.
"You have great boobs."
As a woman, I probably should have been offended. Maybe I should have given him a feminist inspired speech about respecting me for my brains and personality. It would have been a lie, I was beaming with joy. I was way to proud that he was impressed with the two "personalities" underneath my halter top to pretend to be offended. In the heat of the moment I did what any self respecting attention seeker would do: I did a little shimmy boob dance. A tasteful boob dance. No reason for alarm, dad.
My little jiggle ( that my friends have now informed me looked more like a seizure than a dance) was all it took to hook Screech into conversation.
" Do you have a man?"
Oh my god.. I am going to marry Samuel Powers and have curly haired, childhood star babies who would undoubtedly come out of the womb snorting and wearing multi colored parachute pants. YES!
" No..I don't" I replied with a louder-than-necessary sigh. I needed my audience to hear me.
" Your a nice looking girl. You should have a man. Why don't you have one? Are you mean? How old are you?"
Oh my God.. Screech Powers has a hairy chest. Think of something to say other than " May I pet you?" Maybe we will have monkey babies. I touched a monkey once at the zoo. It was soft.
" I'm 24"
" oh. I would destroy you...but I bet I could make you screech in under five minutes" he said casually before changing the subject. I am sure he has never used that line before.
When the show was over I boldly stated to my friends that I would not leave the building without a wedding proposal from Double D. I ended up settling for a picture and a hug.
As a approached him for the picture, I wrapped my hand around his waist and dropped it onto his back pocket. I gave it a little tap before bringing my palm back to an appropriate place on his back.
As he turned to look at me, my mouth filled with honesty.
" I'm sorry. I just touched your butt and I tried really hard to make it look like an accident... But in reality... it was very intentional"
He chose not to acknowledge this comment but made a quizzical Sreech like expression.
At some point after this, we had a brief conversation in british accents, but I can't seem to remember the details.
I don't think that anyone will argue that this counts as " some sort of correspondence with a famous person".
- professional freakshow
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
This I believe.
I believe everything I see in infomercials. I want to believe that Michael Jackson is just misunderstood. I believe that boys and girls don’t understand each other, and that life is more interesting that way. I believe that the most interesting people are the people who are not afraid to believe in the non-traditional
I believe in the importance of bathroom stops during long car rides. I believe that all living things, whether found in my back yard or across the globe should not suffer in result of human greed. I believe that art can heal and that brownies can fix a case of the Mondays.
I believe in believing in others- and in myself.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tis' the Season to be Slutty
Although I would not typically consider myself to be a member of the slutty community, I do have a strong appreciation and deep understanding for their lifestyle. At the core of every in good slut there is a girl who needs pots and pans filled with love and attention. Being an attention whore myself, I find it hard to judge ladies who choose to use their bodies and sexuality as their tools of choice in efforts to turn heads. Personally, I tend to resort to outrageous behavior and elaborate stories to accumulate interest and recruit members to my fan club; but I understand that other attention seekers have other strategies. In the end, I think that we are all working for the common cause to outshine everyone else in the room. I have decided that the residents of sluttytown are slightly misunderstood by their surrounding prude communities and that as an attention slut myself, it is my duty to act as their ambassador I beleive that correct term is Slambassador. This post will act as my first of many efforts to eliminate judgment of nude enthusiasts and to promote a lifestyle that has earned a reputation for being 2nd class.
Whether we are seeking attention, material goods, or sex; aren’t we all just a little bit slutty?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May the new year bring me Tiger Woods and a frightened mailman
In the spirit of a new year, I have decided to create a list of things that I would like to accomplish by May 1st of next year. A few of them are serious, but most are intended to fun and I am hoping they will trigger and inspire some quality awkward posts throughout the year.
Here is the list. Feel free to make suggestions.
1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.
2.) wear an ugly Christmas sweater somewhere fancy, in July.
3.) Prostitute Epic Tales Of. A Professional Freakshow in Heels and earn no less than 100 followers. I may need help with this one. Advice is appreciated, your actual fellowship is appreciated more.
4.) sing karaoke with an imperfect stranger, perferably over the age of sixty.
5.) win some sort of contest. I would prefer for this said contest to not require me to wear a wet tshirt like uniform, but again, desperate times call for sluts in white tshirts sometimes.
6.) Convince someone that I am royalty in another country. I will gladly grant myself double Points if I either a. Run into real royalty at a grocery store or while pumping gas. B. Run into some one else pretending to be royalty. ( six yearolds wearing burger king crowns are not worthy of double points,unless of course they are actually the king of burgers.)
7. Fabricate one of those " copy and paste this into your Facebook status if you..." campaigns and try to make it the grossest STD of internet fads. Ideally I would like it to be more popular than pogs were on the richmond elementary school playground in the early 90's but I will settle for outcooling the kitten with the hiccups on youtube. I would be open to suggestions with this task. " June is national _______ month. Copy and paste this into your status if you or your friend, family, mailman, drug dealer, or on the side lover have been a victim of..... A brady bunch marathon...Alien abduction.....explosive dierhia ( gross..I veto this one right now.)..... You get the idea.
8.) Scare the living day lights out of the mailman. My new house has one of those old school slots in the door so that the mailman can push my birthday cards from grammie and Netflix DVDs onto the welcome rug in my entry way. One of these days I am going to be waiting by the door so that as the mailman slips my water bill through the slot, I will grab it from his hands and maybe make some sort of growling noise, not unlike a wolf with rabies.
9.) Save my phone number into. A stranger's phone as "God" or " Dr. Quinn Medicine woman" and then text them everyday.
10.) Create and summit a recipe to the pilsbury bake off. Double points will be granted if I make it on tv.
11.) transform myself into a domestic goddess. I will consider this mission a success when I successfully:
A. Receive one or more compliments on the perfect iron job of my shirt. I will also try ironing wearing heels and maybe an apron. That seems domestic like
B. Learn to mop the floor without leaving it grosser than when I started
C. stop pretending that doing laundry and febreeze are synonyms.
12.) do something extreme such as skydiving, piercing something strange, or jaywalking.
Cheers and cheerios
- professional freakshow