Early this week, my family received a Christmas letter that included a merry and festive comment about an elderly man’s constipation. I have decided that when I have a family of my own, I am going to send out ridiculous Christmas letters to my friends and family. For those of you in my address book, prepare yourselves to read a little something like this.
Dear Friends and family,
I hope that the holiday season is treating you well and that you are surviving having your children home from school. I am so thrilled that my kids are past the age that they require all/ any of my attention.
Jamal and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last spring and I am amazed that we have not killed each other yet. I had always thought that wedding vows were more of a formality and I never thought that we would wait till death do us part. I have been dating my hair dresser’s husband for the past 6 months and that seems to be doing wonders for my marriage.
Our youngest son, Simon (16 years old) lost his virginity last summer. Jamal and I never really thought that it would happen for him. We are both so pleased that he finally found a girl who is able to look past his severe acne and strong body odor to give him a chance. If he is anything like his father in the bedroom, I am sure that she will be back for more.
Our Oldest, Courtney ( 19 Years old) on the other hand has had no problem in the love making department and has just announced that she is pregnant with her second child out of wedlock. Tis the season to be slutty, I suppose. As a Grandmother, I am pleased that the father of baby number 2 is significantly more attractive than baby daddy numero uno. A Grandma can handle one grandchild that resembles an alien with a lemon stuck in its mouth, but no one wants all of their grandkids to be genetic duds. People would start to talk.
Lastly, I will mention our middle child, Lance ( 17 years old). The saying “ Saving the best for last” simply does not apply here. I just figured that if you read about Lance at the end of this note, you would have less time to forget his existence before you read next year’s holiday letter. He left for college last fall, but neither Jamal or I noticed he was gone until he came home for Thanksgiving. He may be the most boring child I have ever met and to be honest with you, I can not think of anything exciting he has done in the past year. In fact I can not think of anything worth mentioning about his entire life.
I look forward to screening your calls in 2031!