Thursday, August 2, 2012

Tom Cruise wearing a Beauty and the Beast dress and meowing like a cat

In Elementary school I got my tongue frozen to the school bus window on the same day that the janitor put a pile of kitty litter under my desk because I had peed in my Beauty and the Beast dress- twice.

Without a doubt, there were parts of grade school that I could have lived without.  Although it sucked that the boys meowed at me like a cat for the rest of the year; overall those first few years of my education were awesome.

The part of elementary school that I loved was that you could say whatever you wanted and if your statement was not taken well, you could fix it quickly by blurting out “ NOT!”, “Phsych!”, or “It’s opposite day!”

An example:

Erin: Hi! Want to be my valentine? I spent 2 hours cutting out construction paper hearts to make you this very sparkly card! Don’t mind the grease stain, I was eating chips.
Kyle: No. You peed your pants. Meow

Erin: Yeah- good thing its opposite date. You are gross…… sigh.

I wish that opposite day was a real thing.

More specifically, I wish that opposite day was a real thing and that it was today.  Opposite day is fantastic because everything that happens didn’t, and everything that didn’t happen did. For example:

My flight this afternoon was delayed because someone punched a flight attendant. If it were opposite day, they would not have happened and the flight attendant would have all of her teeth.

(on a side note, I can completely understand why flight attendents may want to punch guest, but I can think of no reason to assault the lady that brings the ginger ale and peanuts)

If it were opposite day, I would have not gotten stuck in traffic and paid $83 for a taxi ride. Maybe I would have paid $38 dollars instead.  Or maybe I would have found $83 on the street or hotel bible.

If it were opposite day, I would not have dropped my suitcase on my big toe or hit my head with the taxi door.

If it were opposite day, I would have had time for breakfast, I would have chosen the eggs, I think.

If it were opposite day, I would have met someone famous in Los Angeles, while in town for work.

If It were opposite day,  I would not have to work.

If it were opposite day, I would not have to be embarrassed about watching 3 episodes of Dawson’s creek in a row. I also would not have gone expensive google research about Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their scientology ways of divorce.

I think that if it were opposite day, I would have paused the opposite powers when the house clean lady gave me 14 pieces of chocolate instead of the standard two.

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