Monday, August 6, 2012

Unborn babies dislike wine. ( reason 342 I'm going to hell)

There are plenty of things in this world that I don't understand. The fascination that the teenage population has with kinky vampires, intolerance for people who think and love in a way that classifies them as minorities, and silly putty all fall into the category of things that I can't quite seem to "get".

I also don't quite understand this sign. 

Well I understand the sign. I majored in English in college and I can read pretty well , but I don't understand why it was mounted to the front door on the fancy-shmancy hotel that I stayed at in San Francisco last week. The hotel didn't even have bar inside. It was just on the front door next to the sign that said that pets were not allowed and that they accept all major credit cards. 

 Although I don't think that I can argue with science that alcohol doesn't do any favors to unborn babies, the placement seems odd to me. I am equally confused as to why this hotel had no bar. 

Any insight would be both accepted and encouraged. 

confused and thirsty

Thursday, August 2, 2012

How I lost over 200 Pounds in 30 seconds

There is a woman in New York City who thinks she saw me on television.

A little over a year ago, I was in NYC for work and I had some time to explore in the city.  As I was walking through Times Square, I noticed a large display of stairs and ramps well equipped withpeople in matching blue tshirts trying to recruit pedestrians into joining their “ Be Healthy and Eat your Carrots…Just say no to cheetoes- Walkathon”. I tried to walk away.

And then I saw that they were giving away tshirts and granola bars.

Anyday of the week, I will gladly sell my soul for a tshirt. I will throw in my sister’s soul if you also give me a granola bar. Everyone loves giveaways.

Anyways, I got sucked in. I was  having a grand time walking up and down the walkathon steps, occasionally fist pumping the air in the spirit of health and general awesomeness.

As I was about to leave and continue my journey to find lunch, I saw a booth with 4 men standing behind it. There was a line forming next to them, and I figured that I should check it out before going on my merry way. Apon closer inspection, I realize that the men were past champions of NBC’s The Biggest Loser show. You could get their autograph and have your picture taken with them!

I have never actually watched the show,  but it seemed like a shame not to meet them while I was there. I had walked the staircase for a solid 8 minutes, I had clearly earned an autograph.

When it was my turn, I went behind the booth with the men, so that the NBC elfs could take my picture and I could collect my autographs. Just as I was about to leave, a middle aged woman stands in front of the booth and starts taking our pictures! At first, I tried to get out of the picture, but I was trapped. The woman then approached the booth,  and asked the man next to me for an autograph.

Then she looked directly at me and said: “ WOW! You look Great!”

At first I was flattered. No woman can ever hear how amazing they look too many times. I may have even flipped my hair.

And then I realized that she thought I looked amazing because she thought that at one time I used to weigh over 400 pounds….

Before  I knew it, the woman had pushed her autograph sheet infront of me and handed me a pen.

“ Just sign it”- the biggest loser next to me whispered in my ear.

“ Nice to meet you, Nancy! –Erin” I scribbled onto her sheet.

If I remember correctly, I left that walkathon and went directly to the closest bakery and had a huge cupcake for lunch.

Tom Cruise wearing a Beauty and the Beast dress and meowing like a cat

In Elementary school I got my tongue frozen to the school bus window on the same day that the janitor put a pile of kitty litter under my desk because I had peed in my Beauty and the Beast dress- twice.

Without a doubt, there were parts of grade school that I could have lived without.  Although it sucked that the boys meowed at me like a cat for the rest of the year; overall those first few years of my education were awesome.

The part of elementary school that I loved was that you could say whatever you wanted and if your statement was not taken well, you could fix it quickly by blurting out “ NOT!”, “Phsych!”, or “It’s opposite day!”

An example:

Erin: Hi! Want to be my valentine? I spent 2 hours cutting out construction paper hearts to make you this very sparkly card! Don’t mind the grease stain, I was eating chips.
Kyle: No. You peed your pants. Meow

Erin: Yeah- good thing its opposite date. You are gross…… sigh.

I wish that opposite day was a real thing.

More specifically, I wish that opposite day was a real thing and that it was today.  Opposite day is fantastic because everything that happens didn’t, and everything that didn’t happen did. For example:

My flight this afternoon was delayed because someone punched a flight attendant. If it were opposite day, they would not have happened and the flight attendant would have all of her teeth.

(on a side note, I can completely understand why flight attendents may want to punch guest, but I can think of no reason to assault the lady that brings the ginger ale and peanuts)

If it were opposite day, I would have not gotten stuck in traffic and paid $83 for a taxi ride. Maybe I would have paid $38 dollars instead.  Or maybe I would have found $83 on the street or hotel bible.

If it were opposite day, I would not have dropped my suitcase on my big toe or hit my head with the taxi door.

If it were opposite day, I would have had time for breakfast, I would have chosen the eggs, I think.

If it were opposite day, I would have met someone famous in Los Angeles, while in town for work.

If It were opposite day,  I would not have to work.

If it were opposite day, I would not have to be embarrassed about watching 3 episodes of Dawson’s creek in a row. I also would not have gone expensive google research about Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their scientology ways of divorce.

I think that if it were opposite day, I would have paused the opposite powers when the house clean lady gave me 14 pieces of chocolate instead of the standard two.