Monday, August 6, 2012

Unborn babies dislike wine. ( reason 342 I'm going to hell)

There are plenty of things in this world that I don't understand. The fascination that the teenage population has with kinky vampires, intolerance for people who think and love in a way that classifies them as minorities, and silly putty all fall into the category of things that I can't quite seem to "get".

I also don't quite understand this sign. 



Well I understand the sign. I majored in English in college and I can read pretty well , but I don't understand why it was mounted to the front door on the fancy-shmancy hotel that I stayed at in San Francisco last week. The hotel didn't even have bar inside. It was just on the front door next to the sign that said that pets were not allowed and that they accept all major credit cards. 

 Although I don't think that I can argue with science that alcohol doesn't do any favors to unborn babies, the placement seems odd to me. I am equally confused as to why this hotel had no bar. 

Any insight would be both accepted and encouraged. 

Sincerely, 
confused and thirsty

Thursday, August 2, 2012

How I lost over 200 Pounds in 30 seconds


There is a woman in New York City who thinks she saw me on television.

A little over a year ago, I was in NYC for work and I had some time to explore in the city.  As I was walking through Times Square, I noticed a large display of stairs and ramps well equipped withpeople in matching blue tshirts trying to recruit pedestrians into joining their “ Be Healthy and Eat your Carrots…Just say no to cheetoes- Walkathon”. I tried to walk away.

And then I saw that they were giving away tshirts and granola bars.

Anyday of the week, I will gladly sell my soul for a tshirt. I will throw in my sister’s soul if you also give me a granola bar. Everyone loves giveaways.

Anyways, I got sucked in. I was  having a grand time walking up and down the walkathon steps, occasionally fist pumping the air in the spirit of health and general awesomeness.

As I was about to leave and continue my journey to find lunch, I saw a booth with 4 men standing behind it. There was a line forming next to them, and I figured that I should check it out before going on my merry way. Apon closer inspection, I realize that the men were past champions of NBC’s The Biggest Loser show. You could get their autograph and have your picture taken with them!

I have never actually watched the show,  but it seemed like a shame not to meet them while I was there. I had walked the staircase for a solid 8 minutes, I had clearly earned an autograph.

When it was my turn, I went behind the booth with the men, so that the NBC elfs could take my picture and I could collect my autographs. Just as I was about to leave, a middle aged woman stands in front of the booth and starts taking our pictures! At first, I tried to get out of the picture, but I was trapped. The woman then approached the booth,  and asked the man next to me for an autograph.



Then she looked directly at me and said: “ WOW! You look Great!”

At first I was flattered. No woman can ever hear how amazing they look too many times. I may have even flipped my hair.

And then I realized that she thought I looked amazing because she thought that at one time I used to weigh over 400 pounds….

Before  I knew it, the woman had pushed her autograph sheet infront of me and handed me a pen.

“ Just sign it”- the biggest loser next to me whispered in my ear.

“ Nice to meet you, Nancy! –Erin” I scribbled onto her sheet.

If I remember correctly, I left that walkathon and went directly to the closest bakery and had a huge cupcake for lunch.

Tom Cruise wearing a Beauty and the Beast dress and meowing like a cat


In Elementary school I got my tongue frozen to the school bus window on the same day that the janitor put a pile of kitty litter under my desk because I had peed in my Beauty and the Beast dress- twice.

Without a doubt, there were parts of grade school that I could have lived without.  Although it sucked that the boys meowed at me like a cat for the rest of the year; overall those first few years of my education were awesome.

The part of elementary school that I loved was that you could say whatever you wanted and if your statement was not taken well, you could fix it quickly by blurting out “ NOT!”, “Phsych!”, or “It’s opposite day!”

An example:

Erin: Hi! Want to be my valentine? I spent 2 hours cutting out construction paper hearts to make you this very sparkly card! Don’t mind the grease stain, I was eating chips.
 
Kyle: No. You peed your pants. Meow

Erin: Yeah- good thing its opposite date. You are gross…… sigh.

I wish that opposite day was a real thing.

More specifically, I wish that opposite day was a real thing and that it was today.  Opposite day is fantastic because everything that happens didn’t, and everything that didn’t happen did. For example:

My flight this afternoon was delayed because someone punched a flight attendant. If it were opposite day, they would not have happened and the flight attendant would have all of her teeth.

(on a side note, I can completely understand why flight attendents may want to punch guest, but I can think of no reason to assault the lady that brings the ginger ale and peanuts)

If it were opposite day, I would have not gotten stuck in traffic and paid $83 for a taxi ride. Maybe I would have paid $38 dollars instead.  Or maybe I would have found $83 on the street or hotel bible.

If it were opposite day, I would not have dropped my suitcase on my big toe or hit my head with the taxi door.

If it were opposite day, I would have had time for breakfast, I would have chosen the eggs, I think.

If it were opposite day, I would have met someone famous in Los Angeles, while in town for work.

If It were opposite day,  I would not have to work.

If it were opposite day, I would not have to be embarrassed about watching 3 episodes of Dawson’s creek in a row. I also would not have gone expensive google research about Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their scientology ways of divorce.

I think that if it were opposite day, I would have paused the opposite powers when the house clean lady gave me 14 pieces of chocolate instead of the standard two.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Maybe next year..


Last May, in a post titled May the New year bring me tiger woods and frightened mailmen I made a list of new years resolutions that I was hoping to complete before May of 2012  As announced earlier this week, I have been a horrible and neglectful mother for the last few months and unfortunately I forgot about this list of goals along with the blog.

Although it would be a complete lie to tell you that I completed all or even half of my mentioned goals, I can cross off a few of them.


1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.

I have already blogged about my encounter with a celebrity and you can find the full story here. For those of you who are too lazy to read the entire post, here are the highlights:
1.     I met Dustin Diamond/ Screech Powers
2.     He complimented my boobs
3.     All of my childhood dreams came true
4.     Everyone lived happy ever after.



8.) Scare the living day lights out of the mailman. My new house has one of those old school slots in the door so that the mailman can push my birthday cards from grammie and Netflix DVDs onto the welcome rug in my entry way. One of these days I am going to be waiting by the door so that as the mailman slips my water bill through the slot, I will grab it from his hands and maybe make some sort of growling noise, not unlike a wolf with rabies.

I have failed miserably at this goal, but mostly because my morals got in the way. I think that instead of scaring the mailman, I would like to be his friend.  I have decided that it isn’t very nice to scare people when they are just trying to do their jobs, but maybe if I write him/her a little note, I can have a penpal. That was always fun in gradeschool.

In other news, a few months ago I accidently dropped my house keys through that mail slot in the middle of the night. Needless to say, I will not be nominated for roommate of the year.

I will give updates of some of the other life goals later, but the hotel I am staying in just delivered some fruit and chocolate to my room and I have some fat kid habits to fulfill. 

Monday, July 30, 2012

If only my mom had let me eat pop tarts for dinner..


I am a horrible mother. A year ago, this blog was my baby. My pride and joy. In fact, there was a time when I had stepped over the line of being a writer that casually blogged for fun and into the zone of obsession. I was no longer blogging about awkward accuracies that naturally found their way into my into my life, and instead I was intentionally creating awkwardness and putting myself in absurd situations for the sake of having something “freakshowlike” to write about.

 I was exactly like the  parents that I hate working with through the college admissions process. I was obsessed, overbearing, and probably the type that would put a “my kid is an honor student at blah blah blah middle school” on the back of my SUV.

And then everything changed. I quickly changed from being what we call in college admissions, a helicopter parent and I transformed into the type of mom that serves pop-tarts for dinner.  It wasn’t that I stopped enjoy the blog, or that my life was no longer interesting, I simply just forgot about it. This may be why I have never in my adult life had a pet that requires more attention then a loving and caring rock.

I am not here to make any excuses.

That’s a lie. That is exactly why I am here.

The following list will serve a few purposes all at once. It will give you an update of my life in the last few selfish, non-writing months and with any luck it will also leaving thinking “ I was so sad that that I could not read this blog everyday, but I am so happy that she is back! I will read it everyday and tell all of my friends. And my grandma too!”

Excuse #1: I started graduate school last spring. Although I definitely dropped off the blogging planet long before classes started, this at least offers an excuse for January-July.  I am working on my Masters in School Counseling so I have had less time to write about bald men and airplanes and my time has been dedicated to creating plans to improve the self esteem of teenagers and writing papers about hugs and feelings.

Excuse #2- I have been working really hard to make myself feel healthy.  As much as I enjoy running, bootcamp classes and hot yoga, when I get home, I am so gosh darn tired! There was one day a few weeks ago that I had full intensions of blogging, but my arms were literally too sore to reach the keyboard. It was like I was a T-rex or some other animal with very short stiff arms. Sad.

In my head I thought that I had a lot more then 2 excuses. I could add more for the sake of having a solid five, but they would probably include excuses like “ I had a papercut last week” and “I couldn’t blog in December because I was too excited for santa to come”.  No need for bullshit, I will stick to the legitimate two.

Hopefully this isn’t a fluke, and I will get back into the writing swing!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

America Runs on Dunkin'.

Sunday started like any other Sunday. The birds were chirping, the sun was shinning, and I was vowing never to drink vodka again. I never would have expected that this day designated for rest, church, hangovers, and procrastination would have such a twisted ending.

I flew to Connecticut and landed just before midnight. I was upgraded to first class so I had a little extra hippity hop in my stride. They have the best free cookies in first class.

As I walked past the airport dunkin donuts shop, I was concentrating on avoiding eye contact with the Boston cream. I heard once that donuts are not considered a health food and although I have no proof, I try to avoid them.

Just as I successfully passed the finish line to cellulite freedom, I noticed a larger gentleman walking directly next to me. There was only about 6 inches between us. Naturally, I looked up at him.

" SPEND 3 MONTHS IN RUSSIA AND YOU WILL HAVE A NEW APPRECIATION FOR AMERICA." the man screamed at me.

Good bye, good mood. Hello, blog fuel.

" um. I am sure you are right sir." I replied, trying to be polite.

I looked straight ahead and continuted to walk down the airport hallway. Until suddenly, the man was poking me in the arm with all of his strength and screaming at me.

Stranger Danger.

" who are you?! What are you?! Why are you here?!" he hollered out me while simultaneously bruising my arm with his pointer finger.

" please don't touch me sir." I said as politely as possible.
Just then, the beast of a man grabbed me by the shoulders and wrapped his giant arms around my body.

"DO NOT TOUCH ME!" I yelled. Politeness only goes so far.

Finally another one of my airplane companions stepped in and motioned me to keep walking.

I don't think that I have ever been so scared in my entire life. Second only to watching the episode of Little House on the Praire where a tornado hit Walnut Grove.


Monday, September 19, 2011

A sweet birthday miracle


My feelings for multiple " it's my birthday" posts and public displays of affection are very similar. I don't like either and consider them to be in poor taste. Unless of course i am the lady making out at the laundry mat, then I say " horah! Bring on the slobber!"

Just kidding, dad. I have never kissed a boy in my entire life.

I'm okay with birthday whoring too, as long as I am the one doing the whoring. When September 17th rules around, I can't help but tell anyone with working ears that it is MY day. This year was no exception.

I woke up early to do some grocery shopping before picking up the boyfriend from the airport at 11. I had bought some weekend food, shampoo, and an assortment of household items.

I scanned all of these items through the self check out line and was tickled when I watched the price drop over $11 after scanning my Kroger shopping card. by far my favorite part of shopping.

44 dollars and some forgettable amount of change.

Great.

Opened my purse to get my wallet and it isn't there. I had left it in the car.

Not so great.

I tell the lady supervising the self check out area what had happened and she said I could run to my car to get my wallet and that I wouldn't have to reswipe everything.

Great again.

A cute older man, probably in his late 60s, smiles and jokes that I am no where near old enough to be forgetting things yet.

" I will have you know, I am 25 years old today!"

We both laughed.

I went to my car, got the wallet that I had carelessly forgotten and hurried back to pay for my shampoo.

As I get Into the store, the cashier hands me my bag.

"Thanks, let me just swipe my card" I say and walk to the self check out kiosk.

The lady smiles and said that the older man had paid for my groceries while I was in the car and that he says "happy birthday"

What a way to start a day. Of course it was nice to not pay for $44 of groceries, but the warm fuzzy feeling from the kindness of a stranger will surely stick with me for a while. I need to find a way to pay it forward.

- professional freakshow

Happy birthday, puffy face


It is official. I am old enough to both run for congress and rent a car without the pesky $15 a day underage fee. I wanted to write this post on the actual anniversary of my escape from my mother's womb, but I was busy celebrating.

It is a custom for there to be a party on ones day of birth, and being the traditionalist/ attention whore that I am, I invited my closest friends over to celebrate.

My roommate, Kate and I made an invitation on Facebook. Kate is one of the very few people that I can team write with, but I was pretty pleased by what we came up with.

The invitation read as follows:

"Join us as we celebrate Erin's 25th birthday! If you know Erin, you know that it is no small feat that she has come this far. As concerned roommates, we make her sleep with a helmet in case she falls off the bed and/or gravity decides to reverse itself. She argued at first, stating that she was a "grown-ass-woman" and that the helmet was degrading, but when we offered to paint lightning bolts on the side with glow-in-the-dark puffy paint, she gave the idea her "this is super rad" dance and promptly twisted her two left feet, falling into the sticky bug trap in the basement. Obviously, if this would happen to anyone, it would happen to her. We all remember the time she fell in the parking lot after running for 0.5 seconds and skinned both knees, in an act not dissimilar to a drunk giraffe on roller skates. Then again there was the time she was walking at the airport and stepped onto the wrong moving sidewalk, propelling her backwards into what she describes as, "The closest I've ever come to flying." And let's not forget the time she was attacked by a homeless woman in Seattle who called her out for being a whorey bitch. You know her fondly as the girl who once broke her nose walking into a door... The girl who once tripped in front of a man in a wheelchair and said, "I'm sorry! I can't walk." Her 25th birthday is no small achievement. Come drink with us and watch her stumble. If you're lucky, she might hold on tightly to your hand while yelling, "Let go of me, let go!" or refer to you affectionately as "husband!" for the duration of the evening. Either way, her endearing snort is guaranteed. Hope to see you there!"

Kate also posted fun facts about the birthday girl everyday during the week prior to the party. Those may be posted at a later time, but I will most likely forget.

The party started off smoothly, people brought wine, flowers, hugs, and birthday butt squeezes. My boyfriend had even flown in from Florida to surprise me. Kate made me a punpkin cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. I was so excited that all of my friends were celebrating with me and much like my 8th birthday party, I spent about 50% of the time singing the birthday song to myself and the other 50% looking out the window to see which of my friends was arriving next. This was better than my 8th party though because this time there was vodka in my red kool-aid.

My good friend, Rachelle came at about 11 with a big gift bag in hand. She had made me a mobile made of cloths hangers, ribbons, and 20 airplane sized booze bottles!

At this point in the evenining, I had convinced a man to act as photographer and follow me around with my I phone. I pulled him onto the back porch. To take my picture with hanging mobile. Right after the picture was taken, I was stung by a huge- ass-hornet, right on my eye! I was rushed to the bathroom for inspection and a call to the doctor. I spent the duration of the night in bed with ice on my face.

Kate later posted on the invite:

"Fun fact #7- we had a party. Erin was stung in the eye by a Hornet, forcing her to miss her own damn party. If this could happen to anybody, it obviously happened to her."

- professional freakshow

Thursday, September 15, 2011

“HAHA, Gotcha” said God one sunny day.


I cant believe that it has been an entire year since I have started this blog. I wish that I could say that I finished the year posting as regularly as I was in the beginning, but I suppose I can try harder this year. When I started this little freakshow project of mine, I had an embarrassingly shallow social life and it seemed that I didn't have anything better to do than write. In the last year, I have come to terms with the fact that I may be living in VA for a while, formed some great friendships, took up running as a hobby, started applying to graduate schools, and worked diligently at perfecting my art of being the most awkward kid on the block.


I know that I took some time off from writing regularly but I am ready to come back in full swing. I miss the days that I would religiously check for comments and constantly update my pageviews. Thankfully, my fall travel season for work started this week and given that travel chaos was the original theme of this blog, I am confident that it will give me some inspiration.


It only took a few hours for this trip to be interesting.


I flew into Boston early Monday morning and everything seemed to be going smoothly. I firmly believe that the fate of my trip can always be determined by the success of my first flight. If I get bumped to first class, it will be a great week. If I have delays or if my baggage gets lost, I will be lucky to survive until Friday. If the plane crashes, that sucks too.


Although this week I was not bumped to 1st class, my plane arrived on time an d my luggage made it to Boston with me. I figured that this was a sign from God was everything would run smoothly for the duration from the week.


Wrong.


Now that I think about it, it may have been presumptuous for me to even try to guess what God's signs are supposed to mean. Who am I to claim to know G's intensions. He and I both know I haven't spent any note worthy amount of time at his house lately.


Monday, I had a few visits with high schools and everything seemed to be going well. When I was finished for the day, I decided that I was going to go to the hotel, catch up on some emails and take a nap before finding some dinner.


It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was enjoying my merry drive through the small towns of MA.


CRASH!!!!!!


I felt my car propel forward as the Jeep Wrangler behind me took residence in my back seat.


" Well that's not good" I said outloud to myself.


I get out the car to talk to wrangler's driver and I was surprised to see an attractive man in his mid-20s.


I introduce myself, smiling like a fool. He probably thought that I had suffered some sort of brain injury from the crash, who smiles after a car accident?


We exchanged info, called the police about next steps, and went our separate ways before it hit me that I was driving a rental car. panic set in and tears would not stop rolling out of my eyes.


I returned the car to hertz, got a new uglier car, and went on my merry way. Brian ( the wrangler) sent me an email later that night apologizing again and providing me with a copy of an accident report to fill out.


I responded:


Thanks, I was able to fill one out at Hertz. It was nice meeting you although the circumstances were not ideal. Maybe we will run into each other again sometime. Pun very much intended.


Erin S***


VP of fender benders and rental car relations


BadLuck Inc.




No response. Whatever. I had a good laugh.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sorry God.

Hi friends. Sorry I have been absent from your blog reading days, things have been crazy. I am applying for graduate school for the spring semester and the business of writing personal essays, filling out applications, and asking for letters of recommendation all while trying to maintain my "normal" life has been A struggle.

I don't have a lot of time to spend with you today, but I wanted to share something before I forget it in the hustle and bustle.

A few weeks ago, agreed to teach a class to incoming college freshman about the risks of drinking alcohol and today, as I was explaining " standard drink sizes" an earthquake hit! A 5.9 that apparently originated only 50ish miles from campus. Trying to remain calm, I jokingly told the class that "that's what happens when you drink vodka" but I was really thinking that this is a clear sign from god that I have no business teaching college kids about drinking responsibly.

Sorry mom. Sorry liver.


- professional freakshow

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Homeless Deer of Long Island

You know that you have a knack for making people feel uncomfortable when you prove to have the ability to get a straggly homeless man to walk away from you.

A few nights ago, my roommate and I were sitting at the bar of our favorive pizza joint, conveniently located a block from our home. It only took about 4 minutes for the the creepy older man to my left to take an interest in me.

It would be a lie if I said that this has never happened before. By nature, I am polite and nice to people and sometimes this attracts creepers. I would rather be a creeper magnet than a bitch, I think.

Anyways, the gentleman looks at me and smiles.

" I had paid my tab but when you sat next to me, I decided that I would stay for one more beer. I'm not a forward guy, but I'm not dumb enough to leave either." He giggled at his own sort of funny joke.

It was strange. He was older, had beer belly that could compete with any globe of the world found in 4th grade classrooms nation wide, and he was clearly more socially awkward than I am, but I was oddly flattered.

Flattery lasted about as long as a heard of snowmen in a hot tub. After twenty minutes of listening to this man recite his weight fluctuation history and high school track/field records from the 1800s, I was ready to move on.

I slowly turned my body back to my roommate, but she was in deep flirtations with a nice looking, age appropriate man. I was out of luck and I knew I would be forced to make up ridiculous stories to make the night bearable.

As I turned around, the man was still talking and he mentioned that he had spent the afternoon golfing with his brother.

" I love golf. In fact I started the very first female golf team when I was in college. My uncle taught me to play when I was little and I have just always enjoyed it. You may have heard of him, he is on TV every once in a while, his name is Tiger Woods."

Awkward Silence.

Just then, my favorite homeless man, Mark approached us and gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek.

People judge Mark because he lives in an abandoned car warehouse or maybe because he looks like he is being electrocuted every time he hits the dance floor. He is nice though and he drinks quality beer and those are two things that I look for in a friend. He passes with flying colors.

Mark is also very deep, or at least he tries to be. He is always telling me things like

" Your soul is a garden on radishes. It needs sunshine and happiness as much as hard times and rain to let it form into a pumpkin pie."

Like I said, deep.

I introduced Mark to my new golfing weight fluctuating friend and they quickly hit it off. Mark told him that his heart felt like a a starving squid, or something equally as weird and I tapped myself on the back for matchmaking skills. I had single handedly blossomed this friendship and I had ever right to be damn proud.

I ordered another drink, and when I turned back to the happy couple, they were discussing how a raccoon had gotten into a hospital somewhere in the midwest.

At this point in the evening it is important to note that I had gulped 2+ Long Island Iced teas. Sometimes when I drink, I think that the more LIs I drink, the soberer I get but this is simply just not the case. I was just at the right level of drunkenness where my bar lies were becoming quite extravagant and I was feeling pretty competitive. Bad combination.

I couldn't just sit there and let them tell this story about raccoons in hospitals. I had to one- up them and tell a better story. there is no explanation for what popped out of my mouth next.

" Oh thats nothing." I said casually. " Last week I came home from work and there was a deer in my living room. No idea how it got there. It took me 20 minutes to shew it out with a broomstick"

Silence. again.

Homeless Mark and the creepy old man glanced at eachother, speechless. When I turned my head to slip my drink, they both walked away without a goodbye. I hope at the very least they left together to develop the beautiful friendship that I started. At least that way I can note the evening as a success.

If only room clearing was an olypmic sport.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I always get a good laugh when I look at the search phrases that people googled when they stumbled across my blog. Today's post is going to be short and sweet, but I wanted to share with you some of my favorites that I found while stalking my own statistics this morning.

Enjoy.

1.How to ask a man for his socks
2. How to change a slutty reputation
3. Justin Timberlake pissing in public
4. Powers on the boob
5. Wet my pants in Church
6. Drunk giraffe freekshow dance
7. Screech Powers: father of my monkey babies
8. Sweaty sock porn

Monday, June 13, 2011

I am my own biggest fan

I was originally planning on posting about a strange encounter I had last week with a few former champions from the show " The Biggest Loser" in Times Square, but instead I think I am going to take a break from broadcasting my awkwardness and try something I have never tried before. I am going to blog about blogging.

I have read a few posts from great bloggers with great advice about how to make your blog appealing to people other than your guilted parents.

This will in no way shape of form be helpful to anyone. Well..except me.

I hope.

I have been blogging since Mid September and although I usually feel like I can grasp the concept of how to draw attention to my site, I know that I still have a lot to learn. I have a few questions for you experienced bloggers and bloggerettes and if you would be so kind, I would love your feed back.

1. I have a fan base of 39 followers, two of which happen to be my own parents. I also have a large group of people who I know are reading because they will occasionally comment on posts, but the don't follow. Is this normal? I feel like when I find a blog that I like, I always follow it so that their entries show up on my dashboard when I get to work in the morning. I also feel that following Is a way of saying "you are awesome". The follow button is the button of love and acceptance. If people read and don't follow, does it mean that They don't like what they have read? Is it because I occasionally use the term "boner for Jesus"? Are they lazy?

2. What are your thoughts and feelings about scheduling posts? I sort of like the idea in theory, but I feel like I would be lying to all 39 of my followers. I even feel a little guilty about lying to the non following readers although their feelings are far less important to me. It just seems fishy if blogger says that I posted at 7am after my morning corn muffin when in actuality it was written on my couch with a bottle of wine while watching reruns of Little House On The Prairie that I recorded off cable and onto several VHS.

3. I thought that there was a strong positive correlation between the quantity and quality of my posts and the number of page views I received. This week proved me very wrong. As you know, this is the first post I have written this month. For the first few weeks of June, my page was being opened 0-4 times a day. It was pretty pathetic. I knew that I had to pick up momentum and start writing again, but I just couldn't seem to find the time. All of a sudden though, on June 7th, my blog was viewed 135 times and has continued to gain traffic through the next 2 weeks. I am thrilled about the new reader base, but still, not a single one of the 768 view in June have resulted in a follower increase.

Thanks for your help folks. If this post put you to sleep, I apologize. I promise to write about my Big Loser friends later in the week, or maybe I have already written it and it has berm scheduled to go out later in the week. You may never know. Creepy


- professional freakshow

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Being Easy isn't Pretty

Here they are! Life lessons of the week!

1. In order to follow your dreams, you must be able to acknowledge the fact that being easy isn't pretty

2. Starting a drinking campain at 530 is always a good idea. Just be prepared for feelings to pour out of your eyes at 2 in the morning.

3. It is much easier to rob a bank if you are not smoking crack in the lobby. I am not saying that smoking crack is a bad idea, simply that you should escape by getaway car, and not by foot to avoid conflict with the police.

4. Some times it is hard to let go of old flames. Sometimes it is harder to let go of a stanger's hand at the bar.

5. When a man is nice enough to walk you home, you should thank him by forcing him to sit in a room with your crying roommate.

7. Colorblindness is a serious disease. People who suffer from colorblindness will never experience the true beauty of Christmas lights and will struggle to dress themselves for the rest of their empty, black and white lives. Above all, however, you should never get in a car with them… unless you want to die.

8. You can avoid feelings pouring out of your eyes at 2 in the morning by drinking your feelings between the hours of 5 pm and 12 am. Yes, feelings. that’s what we’re calling long islands now. Maybe you should’ve had a glass of feelings instead of taking jell-o shots without the jell-o. There's always next time.

9. When trying to let go of said stranger’s hand, it’s generally best to pretend he won’t let go of yours and to yell, “Let go of me! Let go!” If he wasn't afraid of commitment yet, he probably is now.



Friday, May 20, 2011

Popcorn Loving Pirate Goes through Sex change

I wish I could remember more of my dreams.

A few nights ago I had a dream that my roommate and I were performing a one act play together in front of hundreds of people. This was funny for a few reasons:

1.) because my last theatrical performance was in the 7 th grade where I was casted as "male pirate#3". At the time I thought I was given a male role because my acting skills were so grade A that the director thought that I could handle such a challenging task..but upon later reflection, it was probably because At the time...I looked like a boy.

2) for some reason in this dream, we decided that we were not going to rehearse together. we were just going to learn our own lines and mesh them together on stage opening night.

3) Ashley, being the dedicated thespian she is, had memorized her lines perfectly but I had forgotten to even glance at my script before stepping on stage. I was making things up as I went along. The play was apparently intended to be a touching tale of a mother (me) putting her daughter (Ashley) to bed after seeing a scary movie...but since I had not read the play, I had interpreted the scene as Ashley in her death bed. Needless to say, this dream also included Ashley telling me that we would never be performing together again.

Days after this dreamy night, Ashley invited me to an improv comedy workshop/audition. I was really nervous because of my lack of theatrical experience and my habit of snorting and/or breaking things when I get uncomfortable. Like usual, once I arrived at the workshop, I felt instantly welcomed.

We played games and read monologs from personal ads off of craigs list and played al sorts of games. I was also fed popcorn, which happens to be on of my top five snack foods. Others on this list include: goldfish, chocolate covered gummy bears, string cheese, and vodka.

Wednesday, after my meeting with my running/drinking club, I received a call with an invitation to join the improv troupe! I could not be more excited. have found a group of people who not only tolerate will tolerate my antics but will work with me to develop them and transform them into an art.

Where else will I find a community where it is socially acceptable for me to pretend to be a man in the process of sex changing surgery and looking for a lover who will role-play with zombie costume? I think that I have found my match.


- professional freakshow

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How to get a job after College

Welcome to adulthood, recent college graduates!

In the spirit of celebrating all of the collegiate graduations that are taking place over the next few weeks, I thought that it would be appropriate for me to share the story of my first interview for a post-college-real-life- adult-job.

Shortly before graduation I was offered an interview at a college across town from the school I was about to graduate from. Although I knew that I was qualified for the job and I had every intention of charming the pants of the selection committee , it was my first big girl interview and I was a little nervous.

I had done interviews for high school and college jobs but I knew that this would be more serious. I figured though, that if I had survived an interview at the Ben and Jerry’s tourguide interview, I could handle anything the admissions committee at a small liberal arts college would dare to through my way.

The very first questions at my Ben and Jerry’s interview was:
“ Imagine that you are a pea and you are stuck on the end of a fork and you are about to be chopped into little bits. What do you do?”

I don’t remember how I answered this one, but I was offered the job. I have yet to find me another job that would send me home with three pints of ice cream every day I showed up to work. That was a pretty sweet gig. Pun very much intended.

I was prepared, but still antsy.

Knowing that I tend to get clumsy when I feel uneasy, my mind was filled with horror visions, all of which included me falling on my face during the interview. What if they offered me a glass of water and I spilled it down my white shirt, creating the appearance of breast lactation or chronic boob sweat? What if I accidently farted while meeting with the Vice President? I was in panic mode for the entire interview week.

Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down by the time I got to campus. I met with admissions counselors, the dean of students, graduate assistants, undergraduate tour guides, everyone. I was amazed how relaxed I felt in these meetings and I was able to be myself ( a professional, classy, well put together version of myself, that is).

By the time I reached my last interview of the day, I was confident that I would be hired. Everything had gone so incredibly well, and there was nothing that I could possibly say at this point to embarrass myself.

Wrong.

I met with the Director of Admissions. He asked me about my college experience. I listed my top three strengths and weaknesses for the third time that day and when the interview finally ended, I silently sighed with relief. Finished.

As my interviewer walked me out of his office, he started to lecture about how exciting life after graduation was going to be for me.

I tried to say something like “ Yes. I am excited. This is my first adult interview”

Of course this is not what actually came out of my mouth.

Instead, I looked directly at my potential future boss and said “This is my first adult VIDEO”

Silence.

They ended up offering me a job and I have decided to take it as a compliment.

I am not sharing this story to implant extra worry into your head. In fact, my intensions are exactly the opposite. I’m just saying, that if I can tell the boss that I am trying to get into the porn business and still get hired, you can find a job too.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Picking ticks off a circus clown

In case you are feeling lost and need some friendly life advice, today is your lucky day.

Life lessons to think about this week:

1. Never attempt to juggle 4 bottles of wine unless you are a trained circus clown. With out the proper technique, you will inevitably drop and crash a minimum of 1 bottle onto the street, turning the neighborhood dogs and squirrels into raging alcoholics.

2. There is nothing less entertaining than watching children attempt to run a full mile. If you find yourself in this position of boredom, it is crucial that you find the nearest bottle of wine and start a " tasting". If tasting to you means drinking a full bottle before 11 am, so be it.

3. Every girl deserves a friend who will offer to shave his head every Wednesday, just so she can touch his baldness. In return though, you may have to pick ticks of his dog.

4. Running in 5K races is a great way to keep yourself in shape. However, if you choose to drink wine in leu of stretching, you will experience a great deal of difficulty removing yourself from the couch the next morning.

5. If you are going to send a friend a text that says " eat lunch with me or I will release my ant farm into your bed and spit in your honey nut cheerios. The choice is yours,let me know what you decide."- make sure you actually text it to your friend...and not your roommates brother...who you have only met once.

6. It turns out that boys are good for more than eye candy. They are also remarkable at changing the lightbulbs in my kitchen.

7. If you feel the need to tell a stranger that your roommates are actually your identical triplets, it is best if they are not around. The story will quickly be proven to be false when said stranger can clearly see that you are not identical in the least.


- professional freakshow

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Screech Powers is a boob man

I fondled Samuel Screech Powers last night.

I am proud to announce that I have officially crossed one of my new years resolutions off my list of things to do this year. I am even prouder to announce that every single one of my childhood dreams came true in a single evening.

In a post a wrote last week, I created a list of things I wanted to accomplish before May 1, 2012. The first goal on the list reads as follows:

1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.

Check.

I have had sort of a rough week. The boy that I previously mentioned that I was dating, moved to Florida on Thursday and I took it a little harder than I would have expected. Feelings suck. I grieved with my good friends Ben and Jerry for several days and I needed a distraction. Something to make me feel better without recruiting a colony of cellulite dimples to my butt. Fortunetley for me and for my waistline, in the height of my depression, an old friend of mine informed me that Dustin Diamond (Samuel Screech Powers from Saved By The Bell) was going to do a stand up comedy show a few miles from my home. With this information my entire world turned around.

Screech Powers played a signicant role in my childhood. Not only was I was a huge fan of Saved by the Bell, but I also had a pair of insect printed short-overalls that I wore well through the seventh grade. I was thrilled that I would have the chance to hear his show but I didn't expect to have such an intimate connection with him.

My friends and I showed up to the performance lounge at 6:30 eastern standard time, right when the doors opened. I almost peed my khaki shorts when the usher lead us to a table directly in front of the stage. My expectations for the evening quickly escalated. I knew that would no longer be satisfied with a peaceful night of quiet giggles in a dark room and admiring my childhood kindred spirit from afar. My front and center seating assignment provided me not only with a clear view of Dustin Diamond but he would also be granted a clear view of my freakshow shenanigans. I had the perfect opportunity to draw attention to myself and cross the first new years resolution off my list as a success.

Screech entered the stage and after a few jokes, he looked directly at me and said the very sentence that I have been day dreaming about since I was about eight years old.

"You have great boobs."

As a woman, I probably should have been offended. Maybe I should have given him a feminist inspired speech about respecting me for my brains and personality. It would have been a lie, I was beaming with joy. I was way to proud that he was impressed with the two "personalities" underneath my halter top to pretend to be offended. In the heat of the moment I did what any self respecting attention seeker would do: I did a little shimmy boob dance. A tasteful boob dance. No reason for alarm, dad.

My little jiggle ( that my friends have now informed me looked more like a seizure than a dance) was all it took to hook Screech into conversation.

" Do you have a man?"

Oh my god.. I am going to marry Samuel Powers and have curly haired, childhood star babies who would undoubtedly come out of the womb snorting and wearing multi colored parachute pants. YES!

" No..I don't" I replied with a louder-than-necessary sigh. I needed my audience to hear me.

" Your a nice looking girl. You should have a man. Why don't you have one? Are you mean? How old are you?"

Oh my God.. Screech Powers has a hairy chest. Think of something to say other than " May I pet you?" Maybe we will have monkey babies. I touched a monkey once at the zoo. It was soft.

" I'm 24"

" oh. I would destroy you...but I bet I could make you screech in under five minutes" he said casually before changing the subject. I am sure he has never used that line before.

When the show was over I boldly stated to my friends that I would not leave the building without a wedding proposal from Double D. I ended up settling for a picture and a hug.

As a approached him for the picture, I wrapped my hand around his waist and dropped it onto his back pocket. I gave it a little tap before bringing my palm back to an appropriate place on his back.

As he turned to look at me, my mouth filled with honesty.

" I'm sorry. I just touched your butt and I tried really hard to make it look like an accident... But in reality... it was very intentional"

He chose not to acknowledge this comment but made a quizzical Sreech like expression.

At some point after this, we had a brief conversation in british accents, but I can't seem to remember the details.

I don't think that anyone will argue that this counts as " some sort of correspondence with a famous person".





- professional freakshow

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

This I believe.

I believe in magic, miracles, and monsters under my bed. I believe that all of the world’s citizens are worthy of finding companionship- where ever they see fit. I believe that hard work pays off- even if it takes longer than expected. I believe that we all deserve more than our fifteen minutes of fame. I believe everyone should have the right to their own beliefs- even if I don’t agree.

I believe everything I see in infomercials. I want to believe that Michael Jackson is just misunderstood. I believe that boys and girls don’t understand each other, and that life is more interesting that way. I believe that the most interesting people are the people who are not afraid to believe in the non-traditional

I believe in the importance of bathroom stops during long car rides. I believe that all living things, whether found in my back yard or across the globe should not suffer in result of human greed. I believe that art can heal and that brownies can fix a case of the Mondays.

I believe in believing in others- and in myself.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tis' the Season to be Slutty

I am a firm believer that at some level, everyone loves a good slut. This is not to say that we adore, envy, or remotely respect girls in dresses tight enough to fit our favorite childhood dolls, but the world would be a dull shade of grey without them around. Boys, for obvious reasons are drawn to the exposed skin popping out of their halter tops, women of all ages enjoy gossiping amongst themselves after encountering a slutty creature in the wild, and even the most conservative religious types tend to flock to anyone they think can be fixed with a little help from Jesus and a hug.

Although I would not typically consider myself to be a member of the slutty community, I do have a strong appreciation and deep understanding for their lifestyle. At the core of every in good slut there is a girl who needs pots and pans filled with love and attention. Being an attention whore myself, I find it hard to judge ladies who choose to use their bodies and sexuality as their tools of choice in efforts to turn heads. Personally, I tend to resort to outrageous behavior and elaborate stories to accumulate interest and recruit members to my fan club; but I understand that other attention seekers have other strategies. In the end, I think that we are all working for the common cause to outshine everyone else in the room. I have decided that the residents of sluttytown are slightly misunderstood by their surrounding prude communities and that as an attention slut myself, it is my duty to act as their ambassador I beleive that correct term is Slambassador. This post will act as my first of many efforts to eliminate judgment of nude enthusiasts and to promote a lifestyle that has earned a reputation for being 2nd class.

Whether we are seeking attention, material goods, or sex; aren’t we all just a little bit slutty?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May the new year bring me Tiger Woods and a frightened mailman

Although traditionally my new years resolutions are set in January and broken by February; i have decided to change things up this year. after working in college admissions for almost two years, I feel that my year changes at the end of April. May 1st is the national deadline for students to let colleges and universities know of where they will be going to school in the fall semester and although we will still be putting the final touches of our incoming class, today is the magical turning point for counselors to start recruiting high school juniors. Happy new year.

In the spirit of a new year, I have decided to create a list of things that I would like to accomplish by May 1st of next year. A few of them are serious, but most are intended to fun and I am hoping they will trigger and inspire some quality awkward posts throughout the year.

Here is the list. Feel free to make suggestions.

1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.

2.) wear an ugly Christmas sweater somewhere fancy, in July.

3.) Prostitute Epic Tales Of. A Professional Freakshow in Heels and earn no less than 100 followers. I may need help with this one. Advice is appreciated, your actual fellowship is appreciated more.

4.) sing karaoke with an imperfect stranger, perferably over the age of sixty.

5.) win some sort of contest. I would prefer for this said contest to not require me to wear a wet tshirt like uniform, but again, desperate times call for sluts in white tshirts sometimes.

6.) Convince someone that I am royalty in another country. I will gladly grant myself double Points if I either a. Run into real royalty at a grocery store or while pumping gas. B. Run into some one else pretending to be royalty. ( six yearolds wearing burger king crowns are not worthy of double points,unless of course they are actually the king of burgers.)

7. Fabricate one of those " copy and paste this into your Facebook status if you..." campaigns and try to make it the grossest STD of internet fads. Ideally I would like it to be more popular than pogs were on the richmond elementary school playground in the early 90's but I will settle for outcooling the kitten with the hiccups on youtube. I would be open to suggestions with this task. " June is national _______ month. Copy and paste this into your status if you or your friend, family, mailman, drug dealer, or on the side lover have been a victim of..... A brady bunch marathon...Alien abduction.....explosive dierhia ( gross..I veto this one right now.)..... You get the idea.

8.) Scare the living day lights out of the mailman. My new house has one of those old school slots in the door so that the mailman can push my birthday cards from grammie and Netflix DVDs onto the welcome rug in my entry way. One of these days I am going to be waiting by the door so that as the mailman slips my water bill through the slot, I will grab it from his hands and maybe make some sort of growling noise, not unlike a wolf with rabies.

9.) Save my phone number into. A stranger's phone as "God" or " Dr. Quinn Medicine woman" and then text them everyday.

10.) Create and summit a recipe to the pilsbury bake off. Double points will be granted if I make it on tv.

11.) transform myself into a domestic goddess. I will consider this mission a success when I successfully:
A. Receive one or more compliments on the perfect iron job of my shirt. I will also try ironing wearing heels and maybe an apron. That seems domestic like
B. Learn to mop the floor without leaving it grosser than when I started
C. stop pretending that doing laundry and febreeze are synonyms.

12.) do something extreme such as skydiving, piercing something strange, or jaywalking.

Cheers and cheerios

- professional freakshow

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Aliens have green boogers and love Saltine Crackers

The next time I run into my 1st grade teacher at the supermarket, I will have to question her about my 6 year old self. Although I try to forget the details of my life before I harvested my prized boobs, I would like to verify my suspicions that I was a heavy mouth breathing child, sitting in the corner of the classroom, eating glue while my peers peacefully pasted popsicle sticks together for their parents’ refrigerator.

I was an awkward kid, there really isn’t any question about it. I remember spending hours with my best friend in the woods behind my parents’ house, searching for the ocean to sail to Europe. Although northern Vermont was a great place to grow up, it was not a sufficient region to find salt water, unless my saltine crackers happened to fall into the bath tub. Unfazed by the inconvenience of living in an inland state, we hiked through the wilderness , pretending that we were orphaned children escaping from our evil caretakers. I vaguely remember finding an alien spacecraft during one of these adventures, and maybe time traveling machine or two. Normal things.

In some ways, I think that I may still be the same kid with the overbite, admiring my boogers on the playground and protecting my family from creatures from another planet. That’s okay, this blog as well as my everyday life would be far less entertaining if I made more of an effort to fit in.

Recently I have come to terms with the fact that although I may not be like the other kids, I have nothing to be ashamed of and I have decided to only surround myself with people who appreciate my quirks and inspire me to be who I am. I may never be able to wear a white shirt without spilling my applesauce on it and I may always pick my wedgies in public. I am far from perfect, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would rather be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.