Sunday, May 22, 2011

Being Easy isn't Pretty

Here they are! Life lessons of the week!

1. In order to follow your dreams, you must be able to acknowledge the fact that being easy isn't pretty

2. Starting a drinking campain at 530 is always a good idea. Just be prepared for feelings to pour out of your eyes at 2 in the morning.

3. It is much easier to rob a bank if you are not smoking crack in the lobby. I am not saying that smoking crack is a bad idea, simply that you should escape by getaway car, and not by foot to avoid conflict with the police.

4. Some times it is hard to let go of old flames. Sometimes it is harder to let go of a stanger's hand at the bar.

5. When a man is nice enough to walk you home, you should thank him by forcing him to sit in a room with your crying roommate.

7. Colorblindness is a serious disease. People who suffer from colorblindness will never experience the true beauty of Christmas lights and will struggle to dress themselves for the rest of their empty, black and white lives. Above all, however, you should never get in a car with them… unless you want to die.

8. You can avoid feelings pouring out of your eyes at 2 in the morning by drinking your feelings between the hours of 5 pm and 12 am. Yes, feelings. that’s what we’re calling long islands now. Maybe you should’ve had a glass of feelings instead of taking jell-o shots without the jell-o. There's always next time.

9. When trying to let go of said stranger’s hand, it’s generally best to pretend he won’t let go of yours and to yell, “Let go of me! Let go!” If he wasn't afraid of commitment yet, he probably is now.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Popcorn Loving Pirate Goes through Sex change

I wish I could remember more of my dreams.

A few nights ago I had a dream that my roommate and I were performing a one act play together in front of hundreds of people. This was funny for a few reasons:

1.) because my last theatrical performance was in the 7 th grade where I was casted as "male pirate#3". At the time I thought I was given a male role because my acting skills were so grade A that the director thought that I could handle such a challenging task..but upon later reflection, it was probably because At the time...I looked like a boy.

2) for some reason in this dream, we decided that we were not going to rehearse together. we were just going to learn our own lines and mesh them together on stage opening night.

3) Ashley, being the dedicated thespian she is, had memorized her lines perfectly but I had forgotten to even glance at my script before stepping on stage. I was making things up as I went along. The play was apparently intended to be a touching tale of a mother (me) putting her daughter (Ashley) to bed after seeing a scary movie...but since I had not read the play, I had interpreted the scene as Ashley in her death bed. Needless to say, this dream also included Ashley telling me that we would never be performing together again.

Days after this dreamy night, Ashley invited me to an improv comedy workshop/audition. I was really nervous because of my lack of theatrical experience and my habit of snorting and/or breaking things when I get uncomfortable. Like usual, once I arrived at the workshop, I felt instantly welcomed.

We played games and read monologs from personal ads off of craigs list and played al sorts of games. I was also fed popcorn, which happens to be on of my top five snack foods. Others on this list include: goldfish, chocolate covered gummy bears, string cheese, and vodka.

Wednesday, after my meeting with my running/drinking club, I received a call with an invitation to join the improv troupe! I could not be more excited. have found a group of people who not only tolerate will tolerate my antics but will work with me to develop them and transform them into an art.

Where else will I find a community where it is socially acceptable for me to pretend to be a man in the process of sex changing surgery and looking for a lover who will role-play with zombie costume? I think that I have found my match.

- professional freakshow

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How to get a job after College

Welcome to adulthood, recent college graduates!

In the spirit of celebrating all of the collegiate graduations that are taking place over the next few weeks, I thought that it would be appropriate for me to share the story of my first interview for a post-college-real-life- adult-job.

Shortly before graduation I was offered an interview at a college across town from the school I was about to graduate from. Although I knew that I was qualified for the job and I had every intention of charming the pants of the selection committee , it was my first big girl interview and I was a little nervous.

I had done interviews for high school and college jobs but I knew that this would be more serious. I figured though, that if I had survived an interview at the Ben and Jerry’s tourguide interview, I could handle anything the admissions committee at a small liberal arts college would dare to through my way.

The very first questions at my Ben and Jerry’s interview was:
“ Imagine that you are a pea and you are stuck on the end of a fork and you are about to be chopped into little bits. What do you do?”

I don’t remember how I answered this one, but I was offered the job. I have yet to find me another job that would send me home with three pints of ice cream every day I showed up to work. That was a pretty sweet gig. Pun very much intended.

I was prepared, but still antsy.

Knowing that I tend to get clumsy when I feel uneasy, my mind was filled with horror visions, all of which included me falling on my face during the interview. What if they offered me a glass of water and I spilled it down my white shirt, creating the appearance of breast lactation or chronic boob sweat? What if I accidently farted while meeting with the Vice President? I was in panic mode for the entire interview week.

Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down by the time I got to campus. I met with admissions counselors, the dean of students, graduate assistants, undergraduate tour guides, everyone. I was amazed how relaxed I felt in these meetings and I was able to be myself ( a professional, classy, well put together version of myself, that is).

By the time I reached my last interview of the day, I was confident that I would be hired. Everything had gone so incredibly well, and there was nothing that I could possibly say at this point to embarrass myself.


I met with the Director of Admissions. He asked me about my college experience. I listed my top three strengths and weaknesses for the third time that day and when the interview finally ended, I silently sighed with relief. Finished.

As my interviewer walked me out of his office, he started to lecture about how exciting life after graduation was going to be for me.

I tried to say something like “ Yes. I am excited. This is my first adult interview”

Of course this is not what actually came out of my mouth.

Instead, I looked directly at my potential future boss and said “This is my first adult VIDEO”


They ended up offering me a job and I have decided to take it as a compliment.

I am not sharing this story to implant extra worry into your head. In fact, my intensions are exactly the opposite. I’m just saying, that if I can tell the boss that I am trying to get into the porn business and still get hired, you can find a job too.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Picking ticks off a circus clown

In case you are feeling lost and need some friendly life advice, today is your lucky day.

Life lessons to think about this week:

1. Never attempt to juggle 4 bottles of wine unless you are a trained circus clown. With out the proper technique, you will inevitably drop and crash a minimum of 1 bottle onto the street, turning the neighborhood dogs and squirrels into raging alcoholics.

2. There is nothing less entertaining than watching children attempt to run a full mile. If you find yourself in this position of boredom, it is crucial that you find the nearest bottle of wine and start a " tasting". If tasting to you means drinking a full bottle before 11 am, so be it.

3. Every girl deserves a friend who will offer to shave his head every Wednesday, just so she can touch his baldness. In return though, you may have to pick ticks of his dog.

4. Running in 5K races is a great way to keep yourself in shape. However, if you choose to drink wine in leu of stretching, you will experience a great deal of difficulty removing yourself from the couch the next morning.

5. If you are going to send a friend a text that says " eat lunch with me or I will release my ant farm into your bed and spit in your honey nut cheerios. The choice is yours,let me know what you decide."- make sure you actually text it to your friend...and not your roommates brother...who you have only met once.

6. It turns out that boys are good for more than eye candy. They are also remarkable at changing the lightbulbs in my kitchen.

7. If you feel the need to tell a stranger that your roommates are actually your identical triplets, it is best if they are not around. The story will quickly be proven to be false when said stranger can clearly see that you are not identical in the least.

- professional freakshow

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Screech Powers is a boob man

I fondled Samuel Screech Powers last night.

I am proud to announce that I have officially crossed one of my new years resolutions off my list of things to do this year. I am even prouder to announce that every single one of my childhood dreams came true in a single evening.

In a post a wrote last week, I created a list of things I wanted to accomplish before May 1, 2012. The first goal on the list reads as follows:

1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.


I have had sort of a rough week. The boy that I previously mentioned that I was dating, moved to Florida on Thursday and I took it a little harder than I would have expected. Feelings suck. I grieved with my good friends Ben and Jerry for several days and I needed a distraction. Something to make me feel better without recruiting a colony of cellulite dimples to my butt. Fortunetley for me and for my waistline, in the height of my depression, an old friend of mine informed me that Dustin Diamond (Samuel Screech Powers from Saved By The Bell) was going to do a stand up comedy show a few miles from my home. With this information my entire world turned around.

Screech Powers played a signicant role in my childhood. Not only was I was a huge fan of Saved by the Bell, but I also had a pair of insect printed short-overalls that I wore well through the seventh grade. I was thrilled that I would have the chance to hear his show but I didn't expect to have such an intimate connection with him.

My friends and I showed up to the performance lounge at 6:30 eastern standard time, right when the doors opened. I almost peed my khaki shorts when the usher lead us to a table directly in front of the stage. My expectations for the evening quickly escalated. I knew that would no longer be satisfied with a peaceful night of quiet giggles in a dark room and admiring my childhood kindred spirit from afar. My front and center seating assignment provided me not only with a clear view of Dustin Diamond but he would also be granted a clear view of my freakshow shenanigans. I had the perfect opportunity to draw attention to myself and cross the first new years resolution off my list as a success.

Screech entered the stage and after a few jokes, he looked directly at me and said the very sentence that I have been day dreaming about since I was about eight years old.

"You have great boobs."

As a woman, I probably should have been offended. Maybe I should have given him a feminist inspired speech about respecting me for my brains and personality. It would have been a lie, I was beaming with joy. I was way to proud that he was impressed with the two "personalities" underneath my halter top to pretend to be offended. In the heat of the moment I did what any self respecting attention seeker would do: I did a little shimmy boob dance. A tasteful boob dance. No reason for alarm, dad.

My little jiggle ( that my friends have now informed me looked more like a seizure than a dance) was all it took to hook Screech into conversation.

" Do you have a man?"

Oh my god.. I am going to marry Samuel Powers and have curly haired, childhood star babies who would undoubtedly come out of the womb snorting and wearing multi colored parachute pants. YES!

" No..I don't" I replied with a louder-than-necessary sigh. I needed my audience to hear me.

" Your a nice looking girl. You should have a man. Why don't you have one? Are you mean? How old are you?"

Oh my God.. Screech Powers has a hairy chest. Think of something to say other than " May I pet you?" Maybe we will have monkey babies. I touched a monkey once at the zoo. It was soft.

" I'm 24"

" oh. I would destroy you...but I bet I could make you screech in under five minutes" he said casually before changing the subject. I am sure he has never used that line before.

When the show was over I boldly stated to my friends that I would not leave the building without a wedding proposal from Double D. I ended up settling for a picture and a hug.

As a approached him for the picture, I wrapped my hand around his waist and dropped it onto his back pocket. I gave it a little tap before bringing my palm back to an appropriate place on his back.

As he turned to look at me, my mouth filled with honesty.

" I'm sorry. I just touched your butt and I tried really hard to make it look like an accident... But in reality... it was very intentional"

He chose not to acknowledge this comment but made a quizzical Sreech like expression.

At some point after this, we had a brief conversation in british accents, but I can't seem to remember the details.

I don't think that anyone will argue that this counts as " some sort of correspondence with a famous person".

- professional freakshow

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

This I believe.

I believe in magic, miracles, and monsters under my bed. I believe that all of the world’s citizens are worthy of finding companionship- where ever they see fit. I believe that hard work pays off- even if it takes longer than expected. I believe that we all deserve more than our fifteen minutes of fame. I believe everyone should have the right to their own beliefs- even if I don’t agree.

I believe everything I see in infomercials. I want to believe that Michael Jackson is just misunderstood. I believe that boys and girls don’t understand each other, and that life is more interesting that way. I believe that the most interesting people are the people who are not afraid to believe in the non-traditional

I believe in the importance of bathroom stops during long car rides. I believe that all living things, whether found in my back yard or across the globe should not suffer in result of human greed. I believe that art can heal and that brownies can fix a case of the Mondays.

I believe in believing in others- and in myself.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tis' the Season to be Slutty

I am a firm believer that at some level, everyone loves a good slut. This is not to say that we adore, envy, or remotely respect girls in dresses tight enough to fit our favorite childhood dolls, but the world would be a dull shade of grey without them around. Boys, for obvious reasons are drawn to the exposed skin popping out of their halter tops, women of all ages enjoy gossiping amongst themselves after encountering a slutty creature in the wild, and even the most conservative religious types tend to flock to anyone they think can be fixed with a little help from Jesus and a hug.

Although I would not typically consider myself to be a member of the slutty community, I do have a strong appreciation and deep understanding for their lifestyle. At the core of every in good slut there is a girl who needs pots and pans filled with love and attention. Being an attention whore myself, I find it hard to judge ladies who choose to use their bodies and sexuality as their tools of choice in efforts to turn heads. Personally, I tend to resort to outrageous behavior and elaborate stories to accumulate interest and recruit members to my fan club; but I understand that other attention seekers have other strategies. In the end, I think that we are all working for the common cause to outshine everyone else in the room. I have decided that the residents of sluttytown are slightly misunderstood by their surrounding prude communities and that as an attention slut myself, it is my duty to act as their ambassador I beleive that correct term is Slambassador. This post will act as my first of many efforts to eliminate judgment of nude enthusiasts and to promote a lifestyle that has earned a reputation for being 2nd class.

Whether we are seeking attention, material goods, or sex; aren’t we all just a little bit slutty?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May the new year bring me Tiger Woods and a frightened mailman

Although traditionally my new years resolutions are set in January and broken by February; i have decided to change things up this year. after working in college admissions for almost two years, I feel that my year changes at the end of April. May 1st is the national deadline for students to let colleges and universities know of where they will be going to school in the fall semester and although we will still be putting the final touches of our incoming class, today is the magical turning point for counselors to start recruiting high school juniors. Happy new year.

In the spirit of a new year, I have decided to create a list of things that I would like to accomplish by May 1st of next year. A few of them are serious, but most are intended to fun and I am hoping they will trigger and inspire some quality awkward posts throughout the year.

Here is the list. Feel free to make suggestions.

1.) have some type of correspondence with a famous person. "Fame" will be defined at my digression. If Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are unavailable, I will settle for a smaller scale celebrity such as the owner of Rivermont Pizza Company or Bolton Valley Ski Resort's Instructor of the Year, who happens to be my own father.

2.) wear an ugly Christmas sweater somewhere fancy, in July.

3.) Prostitute Epic Tales Of. A Professional Freakshow in Heels and earn no less than 100 followers. I may need help with this one. Advice is appreciated, your actual fellowship is appreciated more.

4.) sing karaoke with an imperfect stranger, perferably over the age of sixty.

5.) win some sort of contest. I would prefer for this said contest to not require me to wear a wet tshirt like uniform, but again, desperate times call for sluts in white tshirts sometimes.

6.) Convince someone that I am royalty in another country. I will gladly grant myself double Points if I either a. Run into real royalty at a grocery store or while pumping gas. B. Run into some one else pretending to be royalty. ( six yearolds wearing burger king crowns are not worthy of double points,unless of course they are actually the king of burgers.)

7. Fabricate one of those " copy and paste this into your Facebook status if you..." campaigns and try to make it the grossest STD of internet fads. Ideally I would like it to be more popular than pogs were on the richmond elementary school playground in the early 90's but I will settle for outcooling the kitten with the hiccups on youtube. I would be open to suggestions with this task. " June is national _______ month. Copy and paste this into your status if you or your friend, family, mailman, drug dealer, or on the side lover have been a victim of..... A brady bunch marathon...Alien abduction.....explosive dierhia ( gross..I veto this one right now.)..... You get the idea.

8.) Scare the living day lights out of the mailman. My new house has one of those old school slots in the door so that the mailman can push my birthday cards from grammie and Netflix DVDs onto the welcome rug in my entry way. One of these days I am going to be waiting by the door so that as the mailman slips my water bill through the slot, I will grab it from his hands and maybe make some sort of growling noise, not unlike a wolf with rabies.

9.) Save my phone number into. A stranger's phone as "God" or " Dr. Quinn Medicine woman" and then text them everyday.

10.) Create and summit a recipe to the pilsbury bake off. Double points will be granted if I make it on tv.

11.) transform myself into a domestic goddess. I will consider this mission a success when I successfully:
A. Receive one or more compliments on the perfect iron job of my shirt. I will also try ironing wearing heels and maybe an apron. That seems domestic like
B. Learn to mop the floor without leaving it grosser than when I started
C. stop pretending that doing laundry and febreeze are synonyms.

12.) do something extreme such as skydiving, piercing something strange, or jaywalking.

Cheers and cheerios

- professional freakshow