Thursday, October 28, 2010

Things I learned with Richard Simmons and the Purple Power Ranger.

A few weeks ago, I boldly committed to making a list of Life lessons every Monday. I then promptly erased this pledge from my memory and never did it again. I apologize if anyone has been lost without these words of wacky wisdom, but I hope that this new list is able to get your life back into order. I know that it isn't Monday but life lessons are always worth your time, despite the day of the week. Maybe once a month is more realistic anyways.

This is what I have learned in October:

  1. Although it is true that violence never really solves anything, If you ever encounter the man who invented automatic revolving doors, it is appropriate and encouraged to kick him in the shins.
  2. It is always good news to meet five new friends on a plane. It is typically bad news when these five new friends accidently get you drunk on said airplane of love.
  3. Every girl deserves a male friend who is willing to dress up like Richard Simmons for no reason other than for her amusement. She also deserves at least one chocolate chip cookie a day.
  4. College Admissions Counselors can not possibly be expected to keep a straight face when a student comes up to their table, higher than Steve Urkle's pants and says : "Yous got white girls at your school? Cause I hear doze white girls make GREAATTTTT sandwiches" ( I am secretly hoping that that kid comes to LC and rooms with the classy young gentleman who asked me last spring if the girls at LC were easy. Seems like a good match.)
  5. Enjoy every opportunity you have to sleep in a king sized bed. Sleep horizontally one night if you wish, just because you can. But be warned, when it is time to go back to your full sized bed of boredom and doom, it won't seem big enough and you will feel as though your creative sleeping visions are cramped.
  6. If when returning to your hotel room, you see that the cleaning staff is making your bed, check and make sure that they speak English before starting a full conversation. Also note that "Excuse me maim, I am sorry to bother you, I am in no rush, but do you know how much longer you will be in this room?" translates in Spanish as " Hand me ALLLL of your Shampoo NOW!!" I have a lot of baby shampoo bottles in my purse.
  7. Every once in a while, order your food in a British accent. Ask for the loo, just for good measure.
  8. If your drunk self ever thinks it's a good idea to pull pranks on your soberself, don't listen to her- she's drunk. Saturday night it may seem like a good idea to change all of the names in your phone, but come Sunday morning you will be very concerned about why you are receiving text messages from " Arvad the anteater" ," Purple power ranger" , and "god". Don't put yourself through the trouble of figuring out everyone's true identity, but I strongly encourage you to try this on a friend's phone.
  9. Someone needs to find a cure for writers' block.

1 comment:

Jewels said...

this is absolutely hillarious! Thanks so much for the laugh. I had the same problem with #8 when I saw I was receiving a phone call from "Manwhore" and "McTitty". Yup...so classy!