Saturday, April 9, 2011

Bill gates makes lust to a pirate on roller-skates

It turns out that being single is not a terminal disease after all. Although for quite a while it was feeling like the only male attention I was receiving was from the mailman and I was convinced that I was destined to be a woman with twenty to thirty cats, it turns out I was wrong. I am not trying to make excuses, but one of the many reasons that I have been neglecting my freakshow blog, is because I have been dating the same boy for two months in a row. No small task.

I am hoping that by sharing with you the story of how we met, you may forgive me to being so lazy.

We have a plethora of mutual friends, but we had never been formally introduced. I had recently moved in to a house down the street from my favorite watering hole, and although this has been great for my blog and my amusement, my liver is a little sore. One night, When I was in the mood to make strangers feel awkward and out of place, I decided to do some social research.

My friend, Amanda and I worked for a solid five minutes to create a survey for some unexpected strangers to complete and we were confident that we could make some grown men squirm. Side note about Amanda: we have only been friends for a few months, and I adore her. When I tell her that I want to run down the street in broad daylight, dressed as pirate, she not only supports my decision, but offers to run next to me dressed as a dinosaur. Kindred spirits. I need to be surrounded by more people who inspire be to be myself, despite the social norms that are violated as soon as I step out my front door.

Here is a copy of the survey that we created. Please picture this hand written and on a piece of receipt paper. I am resourceful. Very Mcgyver like.

1. Do you believe in magic? Y or N

2. The perfect wife:
A. Cleans gutters
B. Wears blue and cooks bacon
C. Can suck a nail out of a 4 x4
D. All of the above

3.I wish my ________ was bigger and my _________ was smaller.

4. I make lust most like:
A. The big bad wolf
B. A goldfish out of water
C. A giraffe on roller-skates
D. Bill Gates

5. What do you hope to find at the end of a rainbow?

Will you marry me? Y or N

If no, could you hand in marriage be bought with a ham and cheese sandwich? Y or N

Still No? How about extra cheese? Y or Y

Naturally, I decided that this survey was best suited for either the sketchiest lad in the bar or an elderly woman. I knew though that I could not have my first read through with my creepy prey. I would need to warm up. I then spotted John and decided to approach him with my survey. Although he refused to answer the questions, he laughed and confirmed my self beliefs that I am hysterically delightful. We chatted for a while, and I knew that I was in trouble. Not wanting to try too hard to win his attention, and because the riot of the survey was dying out, I knew that I needed to devise a plan that would redirect the room's attention back to me.

I moved on and found a tattooed man with gaged ears. I asked the survey questions, he answered, but was in no way interested in marring me. He may or may not have tripped over his own foot trying to run away. For the rest of the night, whenever he would walk past me, I would whisper "husbannnnnd" in his general direction, in the most creepy of ways.

I didn't talk to John for the rest of the night, but I was happy to see him when I joined the running/ drinking club a few weeks later. I was not so happy when he watched me eat the pavement fifteen feet into my run but I figure that if he can watch me fall on my face and harass tattooed men and STILL ask me to dinner, that has to be a good sign right?

- professional freakshow


Chicken Wing said...

Awww, this is very exciting!!! Do I know him?!?! Your blog slays me every time - you, my friend, are hysterical!

The Frisky Virgin said...

Fabulous!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Enough is as good as a feast.

jts said...

You should def make a new survey soon.