Friday, April 22, 2011
Drooling Catholics hate poetry of the 18th century
I believe that it is a universal truth that sometimes meetings and lectures are boring. I think that we have all been in a situation, weather it was in high school pre-calculus class, a college lecture hall, or in a meeting at work, that we have felt like/or have actually fallen asleep. I am lucky that my current job keeps me entertained and that even the most boring of meetings, although sometimes painful, have never inspired me to doze out of consciousness. Although I currently have no use for this plan, being the caring and thoughtful citizen that I am, I have developed a set of directions to help napping enthusiasts escape the consequences of their inappropriate slumber. I do wish that I had thought of this three years ago when I was taking a course in 18 th century poetry. I am also posting this because I am self involved and I am craving your praises and feedback.
If you ever fall asleep during a class, meeting, or at dinner with the president of the United States; there is an easy and (I am assuming) effective way to dodge judgement.
1.) As soon as you realize that you have in fact taken an inappropriate nap and that you are not actually at Disney land with out your pants on, discretely remove any drool from your mouth. If you are dreaming about making out with johnny depp dressed as a rugged pirate, feel free to finish before continuing on this mission. This step is very important because the exercise will not be effective if there is slobber flooding your face. You can also consider yourself screwed if anyone, specifically the boss, teacher, or Barrack, catches you wiping your cheecks. Like any quality nose pick or butt scratch; discretion is key.
2.) if and only if you have successfully completed step 1 this mission should you bother with your continuation of your journey to escape. Once drool is removed, silently practice in your head the level of volume that you will use to speak when you finally raise your head. It is going to need to be in the form of a whisper, but loud enough for and onlookers to hear you. Imagine the voice that you used to tell your mom that you had to pee when you were in church or a theatrical performance. A whisper, but a whisper loud enough to to turn the heads of Catholics three pews in front of you. The kind of whisper that would still trigger a mother/ daughter discussion/ scolding about being an embarrassment in public.
3. Take a loud and exaggerated deep breath and slowly raise your head. It would not be a bad idea to rub your gas station lucky rabbit foot, and hope that people are acknowledging your performance.
4. slowly open your eyes and simultaneously not-in-church-whisper, " and in Jesus' name... Amen."
- professional freakshow